Phoenix rising out of the ashes

I once heard someone say that he didn't know where the conversation was going; well, I don't really know where this blog is going but I have been wanting to write more. it has been a long time since I connected through my writing and it is time for that to come back. I think today I am realizing how the little joys of life get us through the bigger, harder times of life. Its the sunshine on our shoulders while perched in the backyard on the grass; its the father pigeon that keeps tucking his wife in with new twigs and leaves to keep her and the nest safe; its the notes of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata played on the piano, or the simple joy of walking, being grateful for legs to walk with, arms to play the piano with and fingers to write with. Sometimes its the little things that get us through.

Sometimes its the little things that keep us sane. Sometimes the world seems to spin so fast around us that we spend our lives playing catch up to some great need to be perfect, to do the best, to be the best. But what if that is all wrong? What if instead, we are meant to walk around with perfectly imperfect lives and through our own brokenness learn to reach out to others and seek solitude together. What if, somehow, God transforms our brokenness into something he can use for his glory--a light that explodes the darkness, a light that explodes the past, what we thought was real, and instead gives us a new perspective? Sometimes I think we look at life all wrong, like we are trying to see it through rose colored glasses, when God is saying gently, "no, my child, remove your glasses and see the world as I see it. See your brokenness and pain, and see how I want to transform it into something beautiful." Sometimes I think I hold onto that hope, that God will take my own pain, my own struggles and transform them into something beautiful--a phoenix rising out of the ashes if you will. Sometimes I think we all have to cling to that, because if we didn't we would miss out on the beauty of life and the joy that life can bring. Sometimes we have to open ourselves up to something bigger than ourselves in order to understand the beauty and the joy. And if we do, if we choose to surrender, to move through the pain, I think God draws us closer to him and our hearts begin to beat in tune with his, to his song, instead of our own.

11 pm randomness

I write tonight because I have to, because something bigger than myself is pushing me, pulling me, prompting me, and persuading me to write. I have thoughts that are continually spinning around in my head that I can’t seem to stop. Thoughts which I think must indeed be worked out on paper in some form or fashion.

I was talking with one of my profs today, Jon Isaak, over at the seminary about some scriptural passages in Genesis 9—where Noah builds the ark, and gets saved while the rest of humanity drowns and is destroyed. The text talks about God regretting the decision he has made, about how it grieves him deeply yet nonetheless he continues on with his decision. I wonder if part, the people were to blame. Jon and I talked about how we need to be careful where the blame is located and it can’t all be located on God, the people had some choice in the matter. They chose, to use Jon’s terms, autonomy, alienation, and isolation. They chose to reject the relationship that God offers. Yet also, as Jon pointed out, within relationship there has to be freedom to “shut the door” there has to be freedom to reject, to turn away. Is that why these people died? Because they chose to be away from God instead of near him?

As I was continuing to wrestle with these ideas and the larger suffering of humanity as a whole (I know small talk, right? Lol), I realized that maybe just maybe we are not always going to understand God but we can choose to trust him anyway in spite of our not understanding. I really want to read the Elusive Presence by Samuel Terrian (it was brought up in class today—might check it out for some extra reading). In it, he talks about how God’s presence is a elusive and does remain a mystery. Greg Camp and I were talking tonight about how we often try to put God in a box, we try to pin human terms on him when in reality we can’t—he does remain a mystery. Yet at the same time, sometimes I think we use human terms in order to understand better. Its like sometimes when we think about God we get so abstract that we can’t really grasp it at all and I think that is when we begin to use human terms in order to have something to cling to. One of the commentaries I read for my paper on Hosea last semester talked about how “God loves us with the type of love he wants us to have.” I think we really only are catching a glimpse of the love, of the relentless relationship, of the desire, of the faithfulness of God and we will never really understand it yet we trust in it anyways. Sometimes it is just hanging on for the ride.

Maybe it is just learning to live in this tension. When Jon and I had conversation earlier this afternoon he talked about this need to live within the tension—the tension of grappling with issues and then resolving them. Perhaps we can’t completely resolve that tension but we are called to live in the middle of it. We are called to live in the midst of the uncertainty of the world and within that uncertainty we begin to learn what it means to trust God. Within that I think we begin to see how relationships are formed and how we continue to create space for the other. This is a time where we are called not to have the answers, but rather called to live because of the questions and because of the journey. It’s the nitty-gritty of life. Perhaps that nitty-grittiness can’t always be figured out. Or maybe it isn’t supposed to be.

stepping off the merry-go-round

September 5, 2008

So, here I sit again at Revue. The remains of my iced tea by my laptop’s side as soft jazz music soothes my theology-filled brain and slowly begins to relax the tension in my shoulders. Here I sit, writing, taking a break from reading ready to express a bit of myself thru writing. Not even quite sure what to write about today yet desiring to write nonetheless. Why is it that we do that? Why do we write even when we aren’t sure? Sometimes it seems like clarity only comes once we look back at what we have written, instead of having that crystallization of thought before the words appear on the page.

We can learn so much just by watching people, by observing. There is a man a few tables across from me, eyes intense on what he is reading and writing. His hair seems to silently swing in concentration as he pauses, red pen in between fingers, pondering something he has either just read or perhaps will write. His eyes gaze off into the distance, not really seeing the traffic that whizzes by on Olive street, not really seeing the older woman whoh pushes her elderly friend with bright pink lipstick in a wheel chair. Not seeing any of that, the man stares into space, foot beginning to wiggle in time to the jazz music that permeates the atmosphere here at Revue. We learn so much from watching.

Someone earlier commented on the slowness of the day today. “Today does seem to have the aura of slowness. But I think its what we do with the slowness that matters.” I replied. It does seem like a quiet day, a day where maybe much thinking can be done, a day for contemplation; perhaps a day for discovering God in the streets of Tower. Yet what will we do with these experiences? How do we embrace them and live them out in such a way that our slowness matters? I’m realizing that it is so incredibly easy to get caught up in the rush that society seems to push onto us. Its so easy to get on the merry-go-round we call life and never get off. Yet what if we chose to get off? What if we choose not to be hectic crazy busy but choose a life-style of contemplation? A life of discovering meaning? I’ve been reading a bit of Ecclesiastes recently—‘Meaningless, meaningless…a chasing after the wind.’ And maybe everything is meaningless but what does it mean to embrace it while it is here? What does it mean to LIVE the moment? To savor and to relish? To place life into each moment instead of sucking it away? To live and embrace each hour even if that hour brings us sorrow instead of joy? To realize that it is okay not to be okay…what does it mean to live?

embracing life

I am in a writing mood today and can’t even explain why. Sometimes days, moments, hours just seem to lend themselves to writing and this seems to be one of those times. J Contemplativeness seems to reign in my soul today and desires to sing out for some reason so beware of this song.

I’m currently allowing my fingers to rapidly though somewhat pensively type my laptop’s keys as m my eyes wander over the red, tan, and green striped wall paper of the wall opposite me. My feet are perched up on the seat before me and the skylight allows yellow sunlight to flood the ceiling and my boot here at Revue. This truly is my favorite coffee spot in town. Something about it just lends an air to writing, creativity, to thinking. Sometimes I think we can get so caught up in rushing around, in being busy, in moving on to the next and next and next thing that we forget to really seize and look at the stripes in the wall paper. This coffee shop seems to tells us to slow down, to wait, to think and ponder and not run away and hide from our thoughts as we are so apt to do. Rather we need to embrace them. I think its easy to run away, its easy to want to hide—especially from feelings which hurt us deeply yet how to embrace those as well? How to step out and allow yourself to feel rather than running?

I don’t want to run away. Something I’ve been feeling really convicted about especially over these last few months is how incredibly and insanely busy I was my final semester at Pacific. I loved everything I was doing and wouldn’t have wanted to not do any of it, yet at the same time I am also realizing that I was on that merry go round of busyness and its hard to get off. As much as I know I need to work a certain amount in order to live and I need to go to school and I know it will be busy to an extent, I think that’s the important phrases—to an extent. I don’t want to get so caught up in what I am doing that I miss who I am doing it with or what I am learning from it. Its like I want to embrace the experience instead of rush through it. I do feel this need to slow down, to smell the roses if you will, or the iced mocha that happens to be sitting beside me. To take time to connect with someone who maybe needs a few bucks for a sandwich, or maybe someone who just wants to talk and be your friend, even if it is for no apparent reason. I don’t want to miss out on any of those opportunities.

I was just up at Camp Keola for 2 weeks, speaking to jrs and jr. highers and learned so much about what it means to connect with people. What it means to be real with them. There were so many times where some one would ask me a question that I couldn’t answer, yet sometimes the answer wasn’t needed all that was needed was a hug and just someone to hold them and to know that its going to be okay. And sometimes I realize that I am that very person even though its hard to realize it. Sometimes, as we all do, we need someone to hold us and tell us its going to be okay. I think its easy to run from that-easy to run from those feelings of vulnerability, instability and confusedness. Yet instead maybe those are the times we turn to God and to family. And family in a large sense of the word. I realized recently that family is bigger than just biology. Family is the people that you trust, the people that you love and who love you. Sometimes I think God intentionally places people in our life to be his face to us. Those people are family.

Still so many questions, so many unanswered thoughts and musings. Yet that is okay. And learning to trust despite or perhaps because of those ponderings is a good thing…right?

shalom

May 28, 2008

So, here I sit, at yet another coffeeshop-CoffeeToday-to be precise. J I’m not sure when this blog will get posted, due to the lack of internet but I wanted to write it nonetheless. I sit here on May 28 with under a week left of my time here in Thailand. It is absolutely and completely surreal. In one of my last e-mails with my MBMSI mentor/friend, Andi, she said it seemed like just yesterday I was sitting at Denny’s with her and getting ready to go-I completely agree with her. Somehow it almost doesn’t seem right that I’m leaving. I can’t quite describe it the way I want….maybe that’s because its not really supposed to be described.

So many thoughts this last week and a half, I’m still processing so much! Last week, I had the opportunity to meet some of the people Bob and Chris will be working with in the Beth El cell group here in Chatchensago. Such dear, sweet, gentle people. A short term team from Canada was here, specifically to give supplies (blankets, toothbrushes, toothpaste and clothes) to the cell groups of Beth El. We had the chance to go with the team and Louise, a member of Team 2000, and sit with these people and pray with them. I was so moved by the stories I heard. There were four women in one village who had recently become Christians, a few months ago. We met in the house where the cell group meets-this house is truly a home even though it is made of wood planks with holes in them and a tin roof that leaks. It was church that day as we sat there together and God was so present-his heart was in that room.

One woman, Pi May, who is Bob and Chris’s meban has such an incredible story. She is such a dear woman and has this beautiful heart for God. When she was five, her farang American father left her family and as she grew up to have a family of her own, she had two kids with her husband and was pregnant with the third, her own husband left her for another woman. She had to get a job while she was three months pregnant and the only job that would take her was construction. So, she shoveled cement for the next 3 months or so. The baby came early, but was fine. She always struggled to put food on the table and a few months ago became a Christian. It still has been a struggle. Then, a few weeks ago, when Louise went into the village to see if anyone wanted to work as a housekeeper for Bob and Chris, she was literally making food from nothing. They didn’t have anything to eat that night. She is the meban for Bob and Chris now and is so grateful for it. My heart began to break for her. Her eyes-her soul was in her eyes. As she was talking and telling her story, her emotion came out on her face-I know that is something that Thai’s don’t do as much, and it moved me so much to hear her story.

There was also this older woman who became a Christian at the same time as May did, but has been having problems with her eyes. She needs glasses but can’t afford them. She wanted to read her Bible so badly but couldn’t because sheh couldn’t see the words. The driver of our van for the day (who wasn’t a Christian, but wanted to come in and listen anyway. He’d driven Louise and others to Chatchensago before), lent her his glasses, she put them on and began to read her Bible. This light just dawned over her face and a smile reached her eyes and just glowed there. Such a simple thing-and so easily taken care of. One of the team members gave money so she could buy glasses in the market.

Or the story of this gentle little girl, Bre, who had been coming to cell group until her grandfather found out. When he found out, he took her outside and beat her. She went back in to tell the others that she couldn’t come anymore and they didn’t see her for about a year. Then, last November, when a short term team was building a playground at her school, she started getting interested again. A grandma on the team had been praying for Bre for a year, and was able to love on this little girl. She gave her a Thai Bible, and after some convincing Bre was able to use it and has started coming to cell group again. This little girl-her eyes are so gentle yet seem to hide a pain that is so deep.

Jesus is in their faces. Its like when I look into these people’s eyes-there is hurt there, there is this need for love, there is this desperation for hope. These people seem to be crying out for something. Crying out for Someone. God is slowly breaking my heart for this nation, these people. Their eyes say so much—but sometimes its like Jesus is looking out. Its like those verses in Matthew 25 which say (paraphrased here):I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was naked and you clothed me….whenever you did this to the least of these, you did it to me. I don’t fully understand it but these people seem to be reaching out or maybe its like God is showing me that the need is so great. Its hard because as he is breaking me I struggle with the idea that I’m leaving. I hope and pray that if he continues to want me back here I will trust him for that and that he will continue to grow this desire. Though sometimes, I admit, it doesn’t feel like enough.

In Abba’s Child, Brennan Manning says, “The lives of those fully engaged in the human struggle will be riddled with bullet holes. Whatever happened to the life of Jesus is in some way going to happen to us. Wounds are necessary. The soul has to be wounded as well as the body. To think that the natural and proper state is to be without wounds is an illusion. Those who wear bulletproof vests protecting themselves from failure, shipwreck, and heartbreak will never know what love is. The unwounded life bears no resemblance to the Rabbi.” (p.158) Sometimes I wonder if God is allowing me to learn a bit of his heart. As much as the suffering of those around me here hurts me so much and breaks me inside it must break him so much more.

I don’t even know how to end this blog. So perhaps I will just end it. I am so grateful that I will be coming back to see everyone in a few days. I am grateful to have people and family to go back to. Yet I definitely continue to pray for this nation and for what God is doing in my heart here. It is a hard thing to trust him with one of the deepest desires of my heart-to serve him here, a hard lessons but yet a good one.

Shalom.

I raise my glass to life!

May 18, 2008

Once again my fingers begin to type at my laptop. Once again I have thoughts to share…though those occur quite frequently. J However, this may perhaps be the final time I have to share with you before I return to the States. We are moving to Chatchensago tomorrow and I am unsure of what the internet status will be. Rest assured, I will probably still be writing thoughts down but I don’t know exactly when I will be able to post said thoughts. ;)

It has been hard beginning to say my “good-byes” or rather “see you soon’s” I’ve discovered that the word good-bye is so hard to say. So I say “see you soon” in lieu of it. It helps a bit. I had my language check this week for module 1-yay I met my goal!-which went all right. I was encouraged that I knew a lot for how many lessons I had and yes there is definite work needed to be done on tones, sentence structure and certain sounds-but I can continue polishing and working on that without a doubt. After the check on Friday, I had to say good-bye to my teachers-Khruu Toom, Khruu Awd, and Khruu Wan. That was rough. I gave all of them hugs and thanked them for their friendship. In Thai culture it is considered culturally inappropriate to “lose face”. I was trying so hard not too-I didn’t cry or anything but I have a feeling my face betrayed a bit of what I was feeling. My one teacher, Khruu Toom told me, “yes I will see you in two years—with two people. (meaning I have to get married). If you don’t come back with two people, I don’t want to see you.” J that made me laugh. Even though I only had the chance to get to know them a little bit I have been blessed by my teachers and am so grateful for them all.

I have had many joyful moments this week-and so many more faces added to the pictures in my head. There is this one little boy, I think about 2, who with his mom, is sitting usually right outside 7-11 the time of day I go in to get a drink to go with lunch. Well, his mom has taught him to “wai” (the thai way of greeting) me every time he sees me. This last time, on Friday, I was absorbed in getting my bike’s kickstand to stay down and I heard someone persistently making noises as if they wanted to be heard-like a little kid noise. I looked up, and to be sure, there was my little friend, waiing me. J I smiled back and said hello. I love how this smile just breaks out over his face when I smile back. Its like sunlight coming out!

Riding home from school, I always see this one elderly woman pushing a usually empty cart on the side of the road. She is so petite and small. Her skin is darkened by the sun, she wears a big brimmed hat and her smile lines are etched into her face. Every day I pass her we smile at each other. Joy is present in this woman.

I said good-bye to my friend the fruit-seller today as well. He asked when I was coming back to Thailand and I told him I hoped in about 2 years but I didn’t know for sure. And then I think he said something along the lines that he would not forget me whether I was in Thailand or in America and that he hoped I would come back. Such a sweet and gentle man. I think he has enjoyed teaching me Thai-and even though I don’t understand all of our conversations, I have enjoyed beginning to understand more. It has been a delight.

For the last time today, I biked down and went to my favorite spot by the river. I had decided in lieu of attending the church service, I would take a bit of a personal retreat with God and am so grateful I did. I didn’t see my puppy which saddened me, yet I will always remember Annie and have been grateful for her puppy friendship. When I got there, I met a security guard from across the way. He came over to give me a piece of newspaper to sit on so I wouldn’t get scratched by the weeds. Very thoughtful of him. We chatted for a bit and I discovered that he wanted to learn more English. He wanted me to teach him but I couldn’t because I’m leaving tomorrow and then going back to the States in 2 weeks. He asked for my e-mail so we could e-mail in English and I gave one of them to him. We’ll see what happens with that. God bless him.

Sitting by the river this morning—such a delight and true moments of peace. There is something about meeting with God when I’m outside-always, ever since 8^th grade or so, I’ve been able to meet with him differently outside. Its like when the walls of my room are the sky we are able to talk better—or perhaps I just listen more. I was reminded again of the verse “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still…rest in God’s presence. The fact that God invites us into his presence and wants to cherish us so much still astounds me. I think I am becoming aware of his grace more-not that I really understand it, but become more aware of its gentle presence. More and more God seems to be opening my eyes and my heart to live more…..

Socrates once said, “The unaware life is not worth living.” I think I agree with him. I think that the more aware we become the more we can live life to its fullest. Living with open hands….living a life of joy. Something to think about, hey?

some reflections....

The days seem to grow shorter between my writing periods. J Or perhaps I am simply discovering the need to write more. I am finding that writing helps me process life….moments of joy and moments of sadness. Its good to be able to get thoughts out onto paper, though sometimes they can be a bit alarming when we see them in stark black and white.

On the activity side of life-things are going really well. We’ve spent the last two weekends
getting the house in Chatchnesago ready for the Davis’s (and myself for 2 weeks) to move into. Its been fun watching the house come together. We’ve gone from painting to beginning to furnish—its almost like watching someone creating a painting or a composition, yet this is a home.

This last weekend I was also blessed again to have the chance to go to TLC. J It was an unexpected surprise and I was so grateful for that. Louise (member of Team 2000) asked me if I could help out with the story in Sunday-school. She asked if I would tell it English for the farang kids and she would translate it into Thai. The story was from Acts 14 (?) about Paul and the storm on his way to Rome. I had a great time paraphrasing it in English (it’d be so much fun someday to be able to do it in Thai). I’d forgotten how much I loved telling kids bible stories. Louise translated into Thai and Diana (a Treker) drew pictures on the board to illustrate. Pretty much we had a great time tag-teaming the event. J I also got to know one of the ALH girls a little bit. She remembered me from the week before and when she saw me began tickling me. J Why, I’m not sure but I tickled back and proceeded to let her piggy back ride up and down the stairs a few times when we were going up and down (which was more than I thought it would be). And I also ended up sitting with her most of the time/playing games with her. Such a sweetheart. I hope to get the chance to hang out with her more.

After church we went over to the mall for pizza and a movie (Iron Man) to celebrate Jason’s birthday, which he fully enjoyed both (the rest of us did too). Then it was back to Lopburi…rather a long drive but eventually we made it, by 1 am. J Jason asked me to tell him a story…so I took about half an hour and paraphrased The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis. Definitely glad I’ve read it so many times.

On more of a deeper note, things seem to be going all right with me and God. I’m continuing to soak in these opportunities to get to know Him better. I think the reality of me heading back to the States is beginning to sink in a bit, which has made it a bit more rocky emotionally recently. Sometimes I’m not sure so sure how I will handle it but I’m trying to do my best to give it all up to God and let go of it.

I had a couple quotes I wanted to share with you from Manning’s Ruthless Trust. Definitely a thought-provoking and very convicting read. He talks so much about what it means to be beloved by God and what it means to truly trust Him. Its been convicting in a lot of ways….how do we really love God and love others and yet still rest secure in God’s hands and dance to his heartbeat? He talks about saying yes to acknowledging the imminent presence of Christ in our daily lives. He says, “This yes is an act of faith, a decisive, whole hearted response of my whole being to the risen Jesus present beside me, before me, and within me; a cry of confidence that my faith in Jesus provides security not only in the face of death but in the face of a worse threat posed by my own malice; a word that must be said not just once but repeated over and over again in the ever-changing landscape of life.” (99). So…what do you think? I thought that was particularly challenging as I feel like I’m at this pivotal point of saying yes to so many things—yes to loving God more, yes to loving others and serving them with my life, yes to being open to whatever God has for me here and in the States. But yet this yes is an ongoing process. I find it so encouraging that it is not just one instant and then over and done with. Rather, God invites us to say yes…again and again and again. Richard Rohr once said, “We are born, not once, but again…and again and again.” What Manning says here reminds me of that-how can we keep saying yes to God?

So, challenging to say the least. J But life is good. Check it out: “Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). The way He related to Peter, John, and Mary Magdalene is the way He relates to us. The recovery of passion starts with reappraising the value of the treasure, continues with letting the Great Rabbi hold us against His heart, and comes to fruition in a personal transformation of which we will not even be aware.” (Manning, p. 131) I love it-so much discussion on what it means to be passionate about God, about life, and about drawing closer to God. This time is such a gift of that. I’m realizing that as I am out of my comfort zone, as I am out of what I am familiar with…it seems like God keeps drawing me closer to himself and I am learning what it means to trust him more. What a blessing, hey?