a pondering mind

So, I am not sure what kind of mood I am in tonight. Somewhat pensive…a bit curious, a bit tired and a bit unsure of what to write which is odd to me. I can’t quite describe it. My fingers need to type but it is almost like I am not sure of what they will say before they say it. Its quite an odd sensation. J Its almost like I feel the need to laugh, but perhaps the need to cry or sit or think for a while too. I actually don’t really know what to do with myself.

Perhaps this is one of those moments where I’m wondering why I am here. Yet walking home from the Davis’s this evening I smiled with pure joy as I looked up at the stars, thanking God for this gift he’s given me. And on Sunday’s Easter service at TLC, the Life Center, this deep joy just bubbled up from inside of me filling my heart and my soul and seemed to pour out of everywhere. I was smiling and laughing so much that my cheeks literally hurt. And it hit me during the service that there was nowhere else I would rather be. It was right and perfect and a true fulfillment of a desire of my hear to be in Thailand this Easter. These Thai people are so bold in their faith—even though I couldn’t understand most of the service, the sense of joy and love and compassion seemed to permeate the very air I breathed. It was like everyone from the little girls from ALH who did the Easter dance, to the ALH boys with their breakdancing ministry, to the worship team, to the people that spoke, to Pi Gankaga and Uh-oh as they took offering and danced it out, to us sitting in the chairs listening and praying…everyone was filled with joy. Maybe that is what the presence of God feels like.

While I was sitting in the Easter service a small thought also came into my head. I’m coming back. I don’t know when or where or even how but somehow in the future I think God might be calling me back to Thailand. I’m trying to be open to what he means and am praying that he will show me how to respond and am trying to do my best to live openly. I guess it seems like I’m learning to pray the prayer-Here I am God, send me. I hope and pray that he will send me and use me wherever I go-whether its here in Thailand, or in Fresno, California that I will continue to learn what it means to love sincerely, hurt deeply, and extend compassion.

Slowly God is opening his little girl’s eyes. She is afraid to look sometimes but is learning to see what he reveals in his timing.

OIT-only in Thailand

March 18, 2008

So many more memories to share-and so many more stories to tell. J So my friend, Kat and I had a very eventful weekend, though not on our own planning. It was completely unintentional. Sunday morning bright and early we were just finishing breakfast when I spied an elderly man outside our door and gate shouting, “Excuse me! Excuse me please”. He was clothed in a sarang and had a somewhat angry frown on his face directed at me. I being myself, an honorary roommate, and still knowing very little Thai told my friend Kat that someone was at the door. Well, she went outside to see what he wanted. He proceeded to make a clucking sound and motioned like he was turning a key in the gate lock. Kat, inwardly laughing, went and got the key and unlocked the gate. He then came in, with a pot in hand and a large pole of some type. He pointed at something in the ground. Kat bent over to look only to discover it was some type of tea leaf. He then set his pot down beside it evident that he wanted to have the said tea leaf. “Mai pen rai” Kat told him, with a smile on her face (‘whatever’). He then proceeded to pull a hammer from who knows where and pound the his pole with it, steadily and slowly breaking up the cement around the area. J He finally reached his goal and extracted the tea leaf and put in his pot. When this was all over (which had been about 20 minutes) he turned to Kat and said gravely with a clear and loud voice, “thank you very much.” And left. What a story, hey? We are still laughing about it over here-oh the things you see and encounter in Thailand! :-D

That evening I was extremely excited because through an unexpected turn of events my very good friend, Desiree, who was on my team here last summer and whom I had not seen since then, was in Lopburi for the evening! She is studying at Chiang Mai university this semester and was traveling for a few days and happened to stop in Lopburi on her way to Ayutthua. We worked it out and got to have dinner together. When we met up at the steps of the Tesco-Lotus we both squealed with excitement and hugged each other—it felt so surreal yet so wonderful at the same time. “Can you believe it Mel—we’re here… together…in Thailand!” I was equally excited. It was such a true encouragement and blessing to my heart to be able to spend even a few hours with Des. I am so excited to hear about everything she is doing here and how life is going for her in the States….it was such a true gift. I think God might have known I needed a good friend—it was like seeing a bit of what happened last summer and Des is a true kindred spirit, as Anne would say. When we were here last summer, we talked about coming back together in a few years to live in Chonburi and teach English….we’re still thinking about it. And Des also mentioned working at Agape-which is the AIDS orphanage where she has been interning-for a 1 to 2 year internship. Something to definitely pray about….

Monday I spent the whole day in Bangkok with my friend Faa and her boyfriend Reg. We went shopping, had lunch, ate some ice cream, I met Faa’s family-her mom is so sweet and we just talked. It was an all around good day, even though it was full. J That evening however, as Reg and I were riding back to Lopburi in a van, we found out that my roommate Kat had had a fainting spell. She had been talking with some friends in the market and suddenly felt unwell, sat down and fainted. She is okay now—Renee took her to the hospital where they thought it could have been food poisoning/dehydration. They sent her home with some antibiotics and she’s been drinking lots and lots of liquids and resting a lot recently. I’m so glad she’s okay and that she was with friends when she passed out and that they knew what to do. She’s laying on her bed across from me “watching” Pride and Prejudice, but has fallen asleep already. She needs her rest, its good for her.

And I have once more incident that I wanted to share from this morning actually before sharing some of my more serious thoughts. J Lately, as in today and yesterday, I have taken to getting up a bit earlier and going out to sit by the river to have some devo time. Well, this morning, I headed out a different direction than normal and spotted the perfect spot—or so it would seem. J It appeared to be a bit of a steep embankment but then it flattened out and there was a beautiful small tree and a small rock to sit in, though I usually just sit in the dirt. Well, not really wanting to leave my bike up at the top of the road I thought we would go down the embankment together. Yeah—bad idea. J We were attempting to go down slowly (oh-and I’m also in flip-flops, not the best for their grip) but the bike’s weight made it roll a bit faster. Soon it was sliding and so was I. We slid together and landed in a rather ungraceful thud in about a second. I had reached the tree and only had a few scrapes. My bike seemed to bear the worst of it, for later I had come to find that the handlebars were twisted a bit (however, Bob was able to fix that for me in just a few minutes when I got to his house). I proceeded to have my devos and enjoyed spending time with God. I look back now and laugh though-a self-inflicted bike tumble, how funny! When I told my friend Kat, we both had a good laugh….ahh the things to learn. Suffice to say, I most likely will not be traveling down any more riverside steep embankments with Soliloquy anytime soon.

Josh and I have started reading this book The Sacred Romance together, by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge-they talk so much about what it means to draw close to the heart of God and how we have a longing in our own hearts for something that we can’t fully express. Though sometimes we can get caught up in putting on external selves and keep our real, inner selves hidden away. Frederick Buechner was quoted to say, “[our] original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out at all…rather we learn tno live out of all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.” That was challenging to me—how can I learn to express my real self, my ‘shimmering’ self to the world instead of hiding it behind. Sometimes I wonder, as one of my housemates pointed out, if by being busy, we choose to hide ourselves from the world. Do we choose our mask or does our mask choose us?

The authors go on to say “our journey will take us to explore the hidden questions of our heart, born out of the stories of our lives” (p. 10). That was just true poetry in the way it was phrased but I also was drawn to the idea by its use of journey and questions. I am learning more and more each day that life is a journey and I’ve been told that its more about enjoying the questions than getting the answer anyway. That causes me to ask how can I live the questions of my heart even they are questions without answers? How can I live them on this journey of life that God is walking with me on?

shout of joy?

March 12, 2008

So, once again I sit at my computer needing wanting eager to write. Its funny how these needs come over me sometimes-stories that need to be told, words that need to be written. And you my dear readers, I thank you so much for taking the time to read what I write. It is so encouraging to know that my words are being read and heard and perhaps cause you to think thoughts that you would not have otherwise.

Last Monday, my friend Kat and I went to Ayutthua, the city which used to be the capital of Thailand, by train! We spent the whole day there and biked around the city looking at different ruins, monasteries, wats (Buddisht temples), the reclining Buddha, and beautiful scenery. There was something about biking around the city that gave it such a different flavor than on foot-more freedom perhaps. There was one moment where I was biking by a river that had a grove of trees lining its banks. The leaves were dancing in the water and in the slight breeze. This sense of pure joy just washed over me and I almost laughed from the giddiness of it!

There were harder moments that day too. At one of the most prominent temples we were walking around it just looking. As we passed by one of the sides, there was this little boy-mal-nourished and with legs only to his knees (from then it was just like he had stumps), small arms, and empty eyes. He was sitting with his pink backpack on the temple steps. One of our group mentioned, “Poor kid.” “yeah,” I said in response but I looked to the ground unable to understand the intensity of hurt that had entered my heart. As we kept walking, I kept thinking-unable to get the little boy’s face out of my mind. I kept thinking of what my pastor, James, had told me about loving one person at a time, and loving the person that is in front of me. I wanted to give him money, but knew that he probably wouldn’t get it. I thought about giving me water but wasn’t sure he would appreciate it and then I thought—ice cream. If he was there when I got back, I would buy him ice cream. As we rounded the building and came to the front-there he was. I stood for a while-looking at the temple and pondering what to do in my heart. I bought him a strawberry ice cream and gave it to him with some money. The faintest, tiniest glimmer of a smile seemed to pass over his face in just an instant. Yet his eyes remained empty. As I went up the temple steps it felt like God was just breaking my heart-for this child and all the hundreds that are here. I’m opening my eyes-now what am I going to do about it?

Psalm 126 is a psalm my friend, Audrey, gave me to reflect on while I was here last time. I think I am going to memorize it while I’m here. It says:

"When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,

we were like those who dream.

Then our mouth was filled with laughter,

And our tongues with shouts of joy,

Then it was said among the nations;

‘The Lord has done great things for us,

and we rejoiced’

Restore our fortunes, O Lord,

Like the watercourses in the Negeb.

May those who sow in tears

Reap with shouts of joy

Those who go out weeping,

Hearing the seed for sowing

Shall come home with shouts of joy,

Carrying the sheaves.”

Sometimes I feel like I am pleading with God-will I go back with shouts of joy? And how can these experiences fill me with joy even now? the rest of the day was good though more thoughtful. sometimes I wonder if I think too much or feel too deeply but in one way its this burning desire in me to tell these stories and experiences. thank you for being a part of them. you are a part of the story and I hope that hearing my experiences will perhaps encourage you to think and dream dreams that you would have possibly not otherwise. God bless you.

solioquy

Soft breeze

Makes dry grass

Crackle

Edge of dusk

Peers over ending of day

Golden light

Glimmers on riverbank

Water silent

Swiftly moves forward

Dog barks

Rooster crows

Birds converse

Yet

Water silent

Swift

Moves on

Pale purple blossoms

Grow

In the midst of garbage and weeds

Grace

In the middle of imperfection

Like us really

Water

Swift and silent

Moves on

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Just a little something I wanted to share with you all. I wrote it when I was sitting down by the river, attempting to capture the magic of it all, I'm not sure how much of it transferred but hopefully you get something of what I mean.

I also named my bike for those of you that are wondering-Solioquy. It means talking when alone-I do a lot of that, though mostly in the form of writing. One day when I was just sitting by the river, having escaped the noise of town, I looked up and there she was shillouhetted by the sunlight-the name was there. Its a bit poetic, i know, but hey...I have a creative bent so why not?

a day off?

So, I am in a pensive mood tonight and I can’t exactly explain why. I’m in a writing mood and thus I have taken my computer in hand and set my fingers to typing. Sometimes when the mood strikes it just needs to be done so here I sit typing away on my black keys. J

I had an unexpected day off today—which was pleasant, though the reason I was off was not so pleasant. Jason caught something over the weekend, some type of flu bug. Keep him in your prayers-he’s getting better and I plan to be with him tomorrow, though I’m not sure how much actual school work we will accomplish. Being sick is no fun and I often find that it takes a few days for mind/body to fully recuperate.

Nonetheless, I was left with a day off on my hands. And what did I do with this unexpected luxury, you ask? Quite a few things actually—I had lunch with my friends Baa and Noon and Baa’s family. That was a true cultural experience. I sat and smiled a lot, ate amazing food-some of which was quite spicy, and tried to follow conversation as much as I could. There I was, sitting in a Thai restaurant, very conscious of my “farangness” in the midst of a Thai family trying to make sense of it all. Noon knows a bit of English, so she and I would chat for random bits of the time but for the most part the conversation was in Thai. I might start teaching Baa’s sister English. She knows some, but desires to know more and said she could also help me with my Thai, which would be lovely! She seems like someone who would be fun to get to know and she was saying how most of her friends are in Bangkok, so it seems like she would really like to get to know me as well.

After a quiet half hour of journaling/reading in the garden, I cycled over to my friends’ Claudia and Kat’s house to go to Big C with Claudia (similar to a Costco/wal-mart). She shopped for a few groceries and I picked up a few random bits and pieces of food and other things. We went to Swenson’s for ice cream afterwards---sometimes it seems like ice cream truly does make the world a better place. J After which we caught a sang-taaw to head back home and I cycled home from there without running into any dogs, for which I was grateful. Then it was here to exercise for a bit, get cleaned up and proceed to write the above blog. I am really grateful that I am getting to know some people here-it helps so much with the lonely factor that will occasionally still hit. I like being able to do things with people rather than on my own. Sure, journaling and reading I like to do on my own, but things like going to Big C or Tesaban to see the monkeys, or even just going out to the night market, those types of things are more fun when you do them with people.

I feel like God is teaching me so much here….about everything. Its one of those times where I feel like I’m beginning to learn life lessons, which is a true gift. It seems to be one of those times where I’m learning to be open to God and what he has in store for me, whatever that might be. It’s a bit scary/daunting yet at the same time extremely exciting! Who knows what could be around the next bend in the road.