discovery

So, I was able to load the longer post--I have finally been able to connect to the Internet at Shiloh. LIttle things like mistaking a 2 for a Z can get so silly...anyways, here is the longer post if you are interested.

So many thoughts and questions seem to fill my head these days. Yet I welcome them. There are absolutely times when I want to take my brain out and stick it in a pot, as a good friend once told me, yet I am learning that these questions and deep, intense feelings tend to mean that I am growing-growing in my walk with God and hopefully growing into the woman he desires me to become.

I’ve been doing some reading while I’ve been here—catching up on my Geez magazines (a magazine that encourages experiments with the truth: www.geez.org ) from last semester and also reading Can you drink this cup? By Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite authors. He is very profound in the way he writes and communicates different ideas. This book seems especially intriguing right now as I feel as though I’m learning to see. Rainer Maria Rilke once said, “Did I tell you? I’m learning to see.” That is one quote that I feel epitomizes my life right now. I’m learning to open my eyes and really see. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it hurts to realize that there are rich mansions on one side of the river and shacks built out of boards and metal roofs on the other side. I don’t know what that means or even how to begin to process it all-yet I’m learning to see through all of this.

But I digress-back to Henri Nouwen. He compares living life to drinking a glass of wine and claims that a life truly lived is a life reflected upon, contemplated, and thought through. We have to know what we choose and why we choose it. “One thing I learned from it all: drinking wine is not just drinking. You have to know what you are drinking and you have to be able to talk about it. Similarly, just living life isn’t enough. We must know what we are living. A life that is not reflected upon isn’t worth living. It belongs to the essence of being human that we contemplate our life, think about it, discuss it, evaluate it, and form opinions about it. Half of living is reflecting on what is being lived” (p.26) This type of writing causes me to really think—how can I continue to learn what I am living and how does that translate into living life to the fullest?

Nouwen goes on to write about the paradox of joy within the sorrow, something that I feel as though I constantly struggle with and am constantly trying to understand at a deeper level. “The cup of life is the cup of joy as much as it is the cup of sorrow. It is the cup in which sorrows and joys, sadness and gladness, mourning and dancing are never separated. If joys could not be where the sorrows are, the cup of life would never be drinkable. That is why we have to hold the cup in our hands and look carefully to see the joys hidden in our sorrows” (46-47). Sometimes I ache so much with this desire to solve the long term sorrow yet at the same time I don’t really know how. Little girls in the market place at TLC begging—their eyes seemingly empty of joy, how can I give life to that situation? Sometimes it seems like all I see is pain and the joy escapes me.

“Life is full of gains and losses, joys and sorrows, ups and downs-but we do not have to live it alone. We want to drink our cup together and thus celebrate the truth that the wounds of our individual lives, which seem intolerable when lived alone, become sources of healing when we live them as part of a fellowship of mutual care.” (p. 57). I think too that by sharing, by writing, by expressing my thoughts to you whether that is through blog, e-mail, or phone call, it helps me to articulate a bit more and perhaps helps me to see the faint glimmer of joy. Sometimes I feel like I am learning so much about what it means to release thoughts and feelings and emotions to God—like I’m trying to get to know him at a deeper level. So much to think about and so much to discern. Yet the questions still aren’t answered-how to find the joy within the sorrow?

“When we do want to drink our cup and drink it to the bottom, we need others who are willing to drink their cups with us. We need community, a community in which confession and celebration are always present together. We have to be willing to let others know us if we want them to celebrate life with us. When we lift our cups and say ‘to life’ (leichim) we should be talking about real lives, not only hard, painful, sorrowful lives, but also lives so full of joy that celebration becomes a spontaneous response.” (p. 60).

I think I am also really learning what it means to develop a community as well—I am so thankful for my strong support community back in the States, it helps so much to know that you are all praying for me and send me so many encouraging notes and e-mails. Yet at the same time, I feel as though I am beginning to understand a bit more of the larger global community within which I live as a Christian and as a child of God. Yes, it is taking time to develop friendships here but at the same time, almost because it’s a bit slower, I’m starting to realize the depth that community can have. The Thai culture is so relational—I love it and I think that Thai people truly grasp the meaning of the word community. It is all about people and working on developing different relationships with them. How can I learn to be open to that? God seems to be deepening this love for Thailand in my heart and I feel as though I am still in the process of discovering what that means.

did I tell you? I'm learning to see.

So, I had a very long post that I had written in my room at Shiloh but I had written it without internet and am currently at an internet cafe, so you are going to get the abbreviated version and hopefully will have the longer version later.

The biggest thing is that right now I feel like God is teaching me to see. Rainer Maria Rilke once said, "Did I tell you? I'm learning to see." That quote feels like it epitomizees my life right now. I'm learning what it means to live with oepn eyes--whether that means becoming aware that church is bigger than a building, or the paradox that rich live across the river from poor. So many times I struggle with how to resolve these things within myself and I haven't found an answer yet. However, I also think that I am learning what it means to live without the answers....

I'm reading this book by Henri Nouwen, one of my favoirte authors, called Drink this Cup. in it he discusses so many important and thought provoking ideas, dealing with how we need to drink the cup of life to its fullest. Before we drink we need to hold-we need to reflect, understand, and know what we are living. And there are times where it is hard because we feel that the cup is just a cup of sorrows-yet Nouwen's fundamental idea is that it is also a cup of joy. He says, "The cup of life is the cup of you as much as it is the cup of sorrows. It is the cup in which sorrows and joys, sadness and gladness, mourning and dancing are never seperated. If joys could not be wehre the worros are, the cup of life would never be drinkable. That is why we have to hold the cup in our hands and look carefully to see the joys hidden in our sorrows" (46-47). I think it so easy to block my mind to the joy and only see the pain. Sometimes I wonder with how to be oepn to seeing the joy when the pain is felt so acutely. Yet, I have a sense that all along through this process God is teaching me what it means to have joy and what it means to have compassion. I feel as though I am learning what it means to live those words at perhaps a deeper level.

Nouwen goes on to say, "Life is full of gains and losses, joys and sorrows, ups and downs-but we do not have to live it alone. We want to drink our cup together and thus celbrate the truth that the wounds of our individual lives, which seem intolerable when lived alone, become sources of healing when we live them as part of a fellowships of mutual care." (57). I'm starting to understand in a deeper way what it also means to live in community-whether that is growing in my friendships with the team here or continuing friendships/familyships in the States. Community is a big word and I wonder if just as church is outside a building, so a community is also outside of a box....

church....

Sitting in the silence of the river flowing, the birds chirping and the leaves rustling with the music of the wind the word "church" came to mind and stopped all other thoughts. this is church, I thought. this moment seemed to hang almost frozen in time. Perhaps the word church isn't about structure, formality, and sitting in the pews-but perhaps it is more about worshipping the Creator with the very essence of who we are whether that is me sitting in silence or the wind whispering in the trees. sometimes I wonder if we put too much stock and structure behind the word "church"--almost like we try to box it in. yet sometimes I wonder if it is not simply a moment of silence with God.

Its like I'm trying to recapture the beauty of that moment on paper. I had cycled down to the river and taken my bible and journal with me. It was a quiet yesterday Sunday afternoon and I was just enjoying the silence. the water flowed, the occasional moterbike passed and then there was me. It was almost like you could sense God there...like he was present. that to me is a true moment of shalom.

I had been to a church service earlier in the day--one that was all in Thai and was beautiiful nonetheless. However, I did struggle with not being able to understand the language. I was able to catch a few words here and there and did some personal reflection on the passage, but it was a bit difficult nonetheless. so yesterday afternoon I chose to cycle down and just enjoy the moment. I'm learning so much about what it means to be alive here, what it means to live in joy and in compassion, what it means to be.

I love it here.

my red bike

So, I am in Lopburi and a couple of days in on teaching Jason. So far, so good. :-) We arrived in Lopburi on Sunday evening around 4pm. I spent that night at the Davis's-hanging out with Faa, Reg, and some of thier friends for dinner and then a movie at the Davis's afterwards. Its been really wonderful to have my friend Faa with me this last weekend-there were a few times where I was really missing my family and it really helped to have a friend/sister around.

Monday morning I spent time talking with my family and Josh! :-) That was really really wonderful and gave me a taste of home. I'd been struggling with missing people a lot last week, especially over the weekend and was beginning to wonder how I would make it. Its amazing how much difference a phone conversation can make even if you are homesick. that afternoon we spent time touring Lopburi. Bob and Chris (with Jason) took me around the city in thier blue sawng-tauw (sorry, butchered the spelling on that). We went to old Lopburi, to the Tezban area and saw the monkey temple. That temple was just crawling with monkeys--everywhere! it was amazing to see how much the people fed them, tourists and Thai's alike. For a reason unbeknownst to me, the Thai people believe monkeys can be considered holy and by feeding them they are committing a good deed and thus farther along thier path to The Way (as in the Buddisht truth). After some lunch, I was able to go and get settled at Shiloh, my home a few blocks away from the Davis's, for at least a month. I might be moving in with a few other girls later in my time here, but we'll see. It helped me a lot to truly unpack and put up my few home belongings to truly make this room a space in which I can dream.

Dinner at the Davis's and then an evening of Phase 10 with Reg, Faa, and a lot of the other LLC students who are around my age. It made for a fun end to the day! Tuesday began the work week and so far I'm still getting to know Jason, but I think its going to work out really well. He is an avid reader and really loves history and Greek mythology so the books I brought for him will come in great use! today was a bit of a harder day for him to focus, but we were still able to get everything accomplsihed by noon which was really good. If anyone has any art, music, or creative teaching ideas that they would like to share I would love to hear them! If I can, I would like to get past just doing the work, and find some creative outlets which he really enjoys...writing is something that he struggles with and somethin I would love to see him grow in....definately open to ideas.

Bob and Chris have given me a bike for my time here, so I am currently sitting at an internet cafe avidly typing away and very proud of myself for having biked to the stationary store, 7-11 and then back here before heading back home....or possibly to do more exploring. I love having a bike-its somewhat freeing and also a really fun way to get around! It is red and has a basket in the front....I should come up with a name for it.

I am really enjoying having time to process life here-I am realizing that this trip will definatly be different than my last one in that I am coming more as support for Bob and Chris. I'm hoping to get involved with the local church on Sundays for sunday school, but we will just have to see. I might be teaching English a couple of nights a week which could be loads of fun. Definately still pryaing about that. but all in all, its been a good experience. yes I have been homesick and have no doubt that will continue in its ups and downs yet I am learning so much about what it means to rely on God as well. I feel like God is stretching me to think in new ways and I am trying to learn what it means to live with open hands.

This is something I wrote last night and wanted to share:

thoughts seem to dance
in mind
like echoes of Chopin's nocturne
waltzing through this journey
of
questions
without
an
answer

yet

heart seems to grow
in love
in truth
set free
from busyness worry consumption
of overcrowded, overwhelemd, overstimulated socieety

sunshine
begins
to pierce
thoughts

A little something I was pondering about and wanted to share with you. I would say that this is definately a growing time for me and I am excited to see how I can serve and what God is going to do.

Life in Bang-Saen

So, here once again, I sit at my computer typing away. I am not sure of how much internet access I will be able to have when I am in Lopburi so I thought I would write another blog from Bang-Saen before the weekend is reached. Lots of thinking and contemplating has occured this week. I've really been enjoying subsitute teaching for Conner. He's 7 and so much fun to teach, so incredibly responsive to whatever we talk about-whatever questions that arise. He really thinks about it and has a lot going on in his head-very smart! Anyways, I've also had the chance to hang out with the younger kids, Isaac and Aree (Ricky's daughter) a bit too. They are really fun as well and seem to enjoy whatever life brings, whether it means swinging in a swing or eating mango. Both take life whole-heartedly by the hand.

This is Connor and Pete (one of his friends):





I've also had the chance to meet with Ricky a few times. That has been great-its cool because especially since I'm on my own, the missionaries here are making an extra effort to make me feel welcome which I really appreciate. I've covered orientation with Ricky over the last few days, some basic legistical information and some more life questions as well. I'm on his "list" for who he's keeping track of as potential long-term missions candidates. :-) Its definately something I'm praying about. I know the answer won't neccesarily come right away but I am praying and thinking and asking God what he wants me to do. I'm learning what it means to be open and what it really means to live open-handed and open-hearted. I have a feeling God is going to teach me a lot while I am here.....

I had the chance to go to the beach yesterday-that was amazing fun. I spent a lot of time sitting and just being. Looking at the waves is so relaxing--and such a beautiful way to hang out with God.





As I was journaling, at one point, I looked up only to find a little Thai girl standing about 2 feet away from me-just staring at the farlang. It made me smile--which proceeded to make her nervous and she walked away. So cute though and such big solomn brown eyes. Its amazing though how much a simple smile can change an atmosphere. I find that if I smile, often people will smile back instead of just staring. Simple-but it works. I feel as though I am learning what it means to process and what it means to just be in God's presence. Its a good thing.

So, once again I begin to write. Its almost as if I have this need to write, this need to share, this need to help you be a part of my journey with me. I got here safe and sound on Saturday evening, or rather very early Sunday morning (around 1am) and made it to Baang Saen via a taxi that the Sanchez's had booked for me. Riding home to Chonburi, I remember thinking that I would just fall asleep and wake up and Thailand would all be a dream--yet its not. and it feels so wonderful to be back. Sometimes I think we know when we are where we are supposed to be-and I think thailand is that place for me right now.

Sunday was a fairly quiet day-sleeping in, reading and then hanging out with some of the missionary kids. Sunday service at TLC is at 4pm but the missionary families usually come early to prep and everything and thier kids just hang out and play. Well, I really am just a big kid and it was a lot of fun just to sit and hang out with the kids for the afternoon. I'm so comfortable around them and it feels so natural. Sometimes when I'm with adults I can get tongue tied or withdraw into myself a bit but with kids, I'm just me. :-) I have a sense I'm going to be learning a lot about myself over these next few months....

After service, we all ate dinner together and conversated (I know its not a true word but such a fun one to create) over spicy and yummy rice and other sundry Thai foods. mmm...so good! I was invited out by the Trek team (a team of four girls who are here as missionaries for about 8 months) to Swensen's and had a grand time with them. It was nice to be included and also lovely to feel a part of something bigger than just me. I think that is one of the biggest differences I'm noticing between now and last time-its different being on my own than with a team and rather different to visit all my old "haunts" without my team mates along.

Today I also had the chance to hang out with team. This morning I was on my own-had a bit of coffee at Colette's down the street and journaled for a while before meeting everyone at the church for lunch. After a scrumptious meal, I toured Ansila (a nearby city where two of the Trek girls live and help serve especially with the Promise Church, a church plant of TLC) with the trek team and thier leaders, went to Colette's again as we talked and then out to the evening market for dinner. Its been quite pleasent-though I am a bit tired now.

Tomorrow, I get the chance to work with Conner Owen (one of the Team 2000 families) on his homeschooling. I've connected a bit with Carmen, his mom, while I've been here and she asked if I could oversee his schooling in the mornings this week since they will be in meetings the majority of the week. I also might get to hang out with the little kids in the afternoon whcih would be loads of fun. And supposed to meet with Ricky somewhere in there to get a bit more of what I'll be doing this week. I'm glad I can be of service-even if its just providing someone to hang out with the kids. Its nice to be wanted for something like that....

I'm sure I will write more soon! take care and God bless.