shalom

May 28, 2008

So, here I sit, at yet another coffeeshop-CoffeeToday-to be precise. J I’m not sure when this blog will get posted, due to the lack of internet but I wanted to write it nonetheless. I sit here on May 28 with under a week left of my time here in Thailand. It is absolutely and completely surreal. In one of my last e-mails with my MBMSI mentor/friend, Andi, she said it seemed like just yesterday I was sitting at Denny’s with her and getting ready to go-I completely agree with her. Somehow it almost doesn’t seem right that I’m leaving. I can’t quite describe it the way I want….maybe that’s because its not really supposed to be described.

So many thoughts this last week and a half, I’m still processing so much! Last week, I had the opportunity to meet some of the people Bob and Chris will be working with in the Beth El cell group here in Chatchensago. Such dear, sweet, gentle people. A short term team from Canada was here, specifically to give supplies (blankets, toothbrushes, toothpaste and clothes) to the cell groups of Beth El. We had the chance to go with the team and Louise, a member of Team 2000, and sit with these people and pray with them. I was so moved by the stories I heard. There were four women in one village who had recently become Christians, a few months ago. We met in the house where the cell group meets-this house is truly a home even though it is made of wood planks with holes in them and a tin roof that leaks. It was church that day as we sat there together and God was so present-his heart was in that room.

One woman, Pi May, who is Bob and Chris’s meban has such an incredible story. She is such a dear woman and has this beautiful heart for God. When she was five, her farang American father left her family and as she grew up to have a family of her own, she had two kids with her husband and was pregnant with the third, her own husband left her for another woman. She had to get a job while she was three months pregnant and the only job that would take her was construction. So, she shoveled cement for the next 3 months or so. The baby came early, but was fine. She always struggled to put food on the table and a few months ago became a Christian. It still has been a struggle. Then, a few weeks ago, when Louise went into the village to see if anyone wanted to work as a housekeeper for Bob and Chris, she was literally making food from nothing. They didn’t have anything to eat that night. She is the meban for Bob and Chris now and is so grateful for it. My heart began to break for her. Her eyes-her soul was in her eyes. As she was talking and telling her story, her emotion came out on her face-I know that is something that Thai’s don’t do as much, and it moved me so much to hear her story.

There was also this older woman who became a Christian at the same time as May did, but has been having problems with her eyes. She needs glasses but can’t afford them. She wanted to read her Bible so badly but couldn’t because sheh couldn’t see the words. The driver of our van for the day (who wasn’t a Christian, but wanted to come in and listen anyway. He’d driven Louise and others to Chatchensago before), lent her his glasses, she put them on and began to read her Bible. This light just dawned over her face and a smile reached her eyes and just glowed there. Such a simple thing-and so easily taken care of. One of the team members gave money so she could buy glasses in the market.

Or the story of this gentle little girl, Bre, who had been coming to cell group until her grandfather found out. When he found out, he took her outside and beat her. She went back in to tell the others that she couldn’t come anymore and they didn’t see her for about a year. Then, last November, when a short term team was building a playground at her school, she started getting interested again. A grandma on the team had been praying for Bre for a year, and was able to love on this little girl. She gave her a Thai Bible, and after some convincing Bre was able to use it and has started coming to cell group again. This little girl-her eyes are so gentle yet seem to hide a pain that is so deep.

Jesus is in their faces. Its like when I look into these people’s eyes-there is hurt there, there is this need for love, there is this desperation for hope. These people seem to be crying out for something. Crying out for Someone. God is slowly breaking my heart for this nation, these people. Their eyes say so much—but sometimes its like Jesus is looking out. Its like those verses in Matthew 25 which say (paraphrased here):I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was naked and you clothed me….whenever you did this to the least of these, you did it to me. I don’t fully understand it but these people seem to be reaching out or maybe its like God is showing me that the need is so great. Its hard because as he is breaking me I struggle with the idea that I’m leaving. I hope and pray that if he continues to want me back here I will trust him for that and that he will continue to grow this desire. Though sometimes, I admit, it doesn’t feel like enough.

In Abba’s Child, Brennan Manning says, “The lives of those fully engaged in the human struggle will be riddled with bullet holes. Whatever happened to the life of Jesus is in some way going to happen to us. Wounds are necessary. The soul has to be wounded as well as the body. To think that the natural and proper state is to be without wounds is an illusion. Those who wear bulletproof vests protecting themselves from failure, shipwreck, and heartbreak will never know what love is. The unwounded life bears no resemblance to the Rabbi.” (p.158) Sometimes I wonder if God is allowing me to learn a bit of his heart. As much as the suffering of those around me here hurts me so much and breaks me inside it must break him so much more.

I don’t even know how to end this blog. So perhaps I will just end it. I am so grateful that I will be coming back to see everyone in a few days. I am grateful to have people and family to go back to. Yet I definitely continue to pray for this nation and for what God is doing in my heart here. It is a hard thing to trust him with one of the deepest desires of my heart-to serve him here, a hard lessons but yet a good one.

Shalom.

I raise my glass to life!

May 18, 2008

Once again my fingers begin to type at my laptop. Once again I have thoughts to share…though those occur quite frequently. J However, this may perhaps be the final time I have to share with you before I return to the States. We are moving to Chatchensago tomorrow and I am unsure of what the internet status will be. Rest assured, I will probably still be writing thoughts down but I don’t know exactly when I will be able to post said thoughts. ;)

It has been hard beginning to say my “good-byes” or rather “see you soon’s” I’ve discovered that the word good-bye is so hard to say. So I say “see you soon” in lieu of it. It helps a bit. I had my language check this week for module 1-yay I met my goal!-which went all right. I was encouraged that I knew a lot for how many lessons I had and yes there is definite work needed to be done on tones, sentence structure and certain sounds-but I can continue polishing and working on that without a doubt. After the check on Friday, I had to say good-bye to my teachers-Khruu Toom, Khruu Awd, and Khruu Wan. That was rough. I gave all of them hugs and thanked them for their friendship. In Thai culture it is considered culturally inappropriate to “lose face”. I was trying so hard not too-I didn’t cry or anything but I have a feeling my face betrayed a bit of what I was feeling. My one teacher, Khruu Toom told me, “yes I will see you in two years—with two people. (meaning I have to get married). If you don’t come back with two people, I don’t want to see you.” J that made me laugh. Even though I only had the chance to get to know them a little bit I have been blessed by my teachers and am so grateful for them all.

I have had many joyful moments this week-and so many more faces added to the pictures in my head. There is this one little boy, I think about 2, who with his mom, is sitting usually right outside 7-11 the time of day I go in to get a drink to go with lunch. Well, his mom has taught him to “wai” (the thai way of greeting) me every time he sees me. This last time, on Friday, I was absorbed in getting my bike’s kickstand to stay down and I heard someone persistently making noises as if they wanted to be heard-like a little kid noise. I looked up, and to be sure, there was my little friend, waiing me. J I smiled back and said hello. I love how this smile just breaks out over his face when I smile back. Its like sunlight coming out!

Riding home from school, I always see this one elderly woman pushing a usually empty cart on the side of the road. She is so petite and small. Her skin is darkened by the sun, she wears a big brimmed hat and her smile lines are etched into her face. Every day I pass her we smile at each other. Joy is present in this woman.

I said good-bye to my friend the fruit-seller today as well. He asked when I was coming back to Thailand and I told him I hoped in about 2 years but I didn’t know for sure. And then I think he said something along the lines that he would not forget me whether I was in Thailand or in America and that he hoped I would come back. Such a sweet and gentle man. I think he has enjoyed teaching me Thai-and even though I don’t understand all of our conversations, I have enjoyed beginning to understand more. It has been a delight.

For the last time today, I biked down and went to my favorite spot by the river. I had decided in lieu of attending the church service, I would take a bit of a personal retreat with God and am so grateful I did. I didn’t see my puppy which saddened me, yet I will always remember Annie and have been grateful for her puppy friendship. When I got there, I met a security guard from across the way. He came over to give me a piece of newspaper to sit on so I wouldn’t get scratched by the weeds. Very thoughtful of him. We chatted for a bit and I discovered that he wanted to learn more English. He wanted me to teach him but I couldn’t because I’m leaving tomorrow and then going back to the States in 2 weeks. He asked for my e-mail so we could e-mail in English and I gave one of them to him. We’ll see what happens with that. God bless him.

Sitting by the river this morning—such a delight and true moments of peace. There is something about meeting with God when I’m outside-always, ever since 8^th grade or so, I’ve been able to meet with him differently outside. Its like when the walls of my room are the sky we are able to talk better—or perhaps I just listen more. I was reminded again of the verse “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still…rest in God’s presence. The fact that God invites us into his presence and wants to cherish us so much still astounds me. I think I am becoming aware of his grace more-not that I really understand it, but become more aware of its gentle presence. More and more God seems to be opening my eyes and my heart to live more…..

Socrates once said, “The unaware life is not worth living.” I think I agree with him. I think that the more aware we become the more we can live life to its fullest. Living with open hands….living a life of joy. Something to think about, hey?

some reflections....

The days seem to grow shorter between my writing periods. J Or perhaps I am simply discovering the need to write more. I am finding that writing helps me process life….moments of joy and moments of sadness. Its good to be able to get thoughts out onto paper, though sometimes they can be a bit alarming when we see them in stark black and white.

On the activity side of life-things are going really well. We’ve spent the last two weekends
getting the house in Chatchnesago ready for the Davis’s (and myself for 2 weeks) to move into. Its been fun watching the house come together. We’ve gone from painting to beginning to furnish—its almost like watching someone creating a painting or a composition, yet this is a home.

This last weekend I was also blessed again to have the chance to go to TLC. J It was an unexpected surprise and I was so grateful for that. Louise (member of Team 2000) asked me if I could help out with the story in Sunday-school. She asked if I would tell it English for the farang kids and she would translate it into Thai. The story was from Acts 14 (?) about Paul and the storm on his way to Rome. I had a great time paraphrasing it in English (it’d be so much fun someday to be able to do it in Thai). I’d forgotten how much I loved telling kids bible stories. Louise translated into Thai and Diana (a Treker) drew pictures on the board to illustrate. Pretty much we had a great time tag-teaming the event. J I also got to know one of the ALH girls a little bit. She remembered me from the week before and when she saw me began tickling me. J Why, I’m not sure but I tickled back and proceeded to let her piggy back ride up and down the stairs a few times when we were going up and down (which was more than I thought it would be). And I also ended up sitting with her most of the time/playing games with her. Such a sweetheart. I hope to get the chance to hang out with her more.

After church we went over to the mall for pizza and a movie (Iron Man) to celebrate Jason’s birthday, which he fully enjoyed both (the rest of us did too). Then it was back to Lopburi…rather a long drive but eventually we made it, by 1 am. J Jason asked me to tell him a story…so I took about half an hour and paraphrased The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis. Definitely glad I’ve read it so many times.

On more of a deeper note, things seem to be going all right with me and God. I’m continuing to soak in these opportunities to get to know Him better. I think the reality of me heading back to the States is beginning to sink in a bit, which has made it a bit more rocky emotionally recently. Sometimes I’m not sure so sure how I will handle it but I’m trying to do my best to give it all up to God and let go of it.

I had a couple quotes I wanted to share with you from Manning’s Ruthless Trust. Definitely a thought-provoking and very convicting read. He talks so much about what it means to be beloved by God and what it means to truly trust Him. Its been convicting in a lot of ways….how do we really love God and love others and yet still rest secure in God’s hands and dance to his heartbeat? He talks about saying yes to acknowledging the imminent presence of Christ in our daily lives. He says, “This yes is an act of faith, a decisive, whole hearted response of my whole being to the risen Jesus present beside me, before me, and within me; a cry of confidence that my faith in Jesus provides security not only in the face of death but in the face of a worse threat posed by my own malice; a word that must be said not just once but repeated over and over again in the ever-changing landscape of life.” (99). So…what do you think? I thought that was particularly challenging as I feel like I’m at this pivotal point of saying yes to so many things—yes to loving God more, yes to loving others and serving them with my life, yes to being open to whatever God has for me here and in the States. But yet this yes is an ongoing process. I find it so encouraging that it is not just one instant and then over and done with. Rather, God invites us to say yes…again and again and again. Richard Rohr once said, “We are born, not once, but again…and again and again.” What Manning says here reminds me of that-how can we keep saying yes to God?

So, challenging to say the least. J But life is good. Check it out: “Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). The way He related to Peter, John, and Mary Magdalene is the way He relates to us. The recovery of passion starts with reappraising the value of the treasure, continues with letting the Great Rabbi hold us against His heart, and comes to fruition in a personal transformation of which we will not even be aware.” (Manning, p. 131) I love it-so much discussion on what it means to be passionate about God, about life, and about drawing closer to God. This time is such a gift of that. I’m realizing that as I am out of my comfort zone, as I am out of what I am familiar with…it seems like God keeps drawing me closer to himself and I am learning what it means to trust him more. What a blessing, hey?

joy

It feels like its been so much longer than 10 days since I last wrote. J Perhaps that’s because so much tends to happen here. Its funny because I’m not “busy” in the sense of running around crazy and can’t get off the merry-go-round busy (did that last semester, probably not the best idea), yet life is definitely full. However, its full in a good way-full of time to reflect and hang out with God, full of time teaching Jason and learning Thai, full of conversations with good friends, full of time painting the Davis’s new home in Chatchensago, full of time of processing and discovery. I love it.

As I type tonight, I’m listening to Switchfoot’s Concrete Girl. That song is all about masks and how easy it is to break down-how we try so hard not to crack our façade but in all honesty our masks are cracked and worn, yet it seems like we just keep plastering more paint and glue on to keep them together. It corresponds a lot with what I’ve been reading in Brennan Manning’s book, Abba’s Child. In his book he talks a lot about what it means to belong to God as his Beloved child and how to rest secure in that. Its so easy to forget, hey? I love this quote. Manning and Nouwen in the same paragraph talking about what it means to be beloved by God. “Writing to a New York intellectual and close friend, Henri Nouwen stated, ‘All I want to say to you is, ‘You are the Beloved, and all I hope is that you can here these words spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold. My only desire is to make these words reverberate in every corner of your being-“You are the Beloved”. Anchored in this reality; our true self needs neither a muted trumpet to herald our arrival nor a gaudy soapbox to rivet attention from others. We give glory to God simply by being ourselves.” (Manning, p. 52, the parentheses are ingrained in me from college, sorry if it bothers you).

Manning goes on to talk about the beauty of silence and solitude. The beauty of having those intimate moments with God where it is just you and him and no one else. Sometimes I think it is so easy to escape those moments, to seek to hide from them, yet perhaps really God wants to give them to us as a gift. Maybe we just have to take it. I’ve been learning so much about what it means to be intimate with God-what it means to listen and wait on him. Its like sometimes I’ve encountered those “thin places” (a friend once called it that and I love her phrase) where the curtain between me and God begins to become transparent. Where I begin to sense God’s heart in a deeper, more alive way. It reminds me of C.S. Lewis’s description of heaven in The Last Battle, everything was realer and richer-sometimes I think I catch small and brief glimpses of the character of God and it is such a humbling experience.

Manning says, “Silence is not simply the absence of noise or the shutdown of communication with the outside world, but rather a process of coming to stillness. Silent solitude forges true speech. I’m not speaking of physical isolation; solitude here means being alone with the Alone, experiencing the transcendent Other and growing in awareness of one’s identity as the beloved. It is impossible to know another person intimately without spending time together. Silence makes this solitude a reality. It has been said, ‘Silence is solitude practiced in action.’”(p.56). What do you think? I love this idea of silence is solitude practiced in action-such a beautiful way to say it and so true, hey?

I’ve also been experiencing a lot of joyful moments this past week. I’m trying so much to just live in the present and cherish each moment as my time here begins to draw to a close. The kids next door to me, Jonas and Noemi are so much fun to play with. They truly bring me delight each day. I’ve become “Aunt Melody” to them and it makes me smile every time they say it. Every time Jonas comes up and whispers a secret in my ear, or Noemi sidles over for a hug. I wrote this yesterday: “A hug from Noemi is enough to bring joy to my heart. Joy that wells up without understanding. Love and compassion, her simple trust in our friendship is so true and so real. Sometimes I want to cling to these moments forever.”

Jason and I had a really great study day today. He is also so much fun to be around-I love his creative and imaginative mind. I’ve discovered that rewarding him with a new book after earning a certain number of points is working really well for his motivation to complete schoolwork with a good attitude. I’m blessed to feel like at last I’m connecting with him. This last weekend, as we were down in Chatchensago, painting the Davis’s new house, Jason and I had a few fun moments-whether it was dumping suds on each other as we washed walls, threatening to paint each other, or playing chess-it was good to connect. I hope that connection lasts for a very long time.

So exciting to see what God is doing. Here in Thailand, back in the States, in me as a person, in the people around me. I love being a part of it and having this chance to serve others. It is such a gift and so precious. Learning to live with open hands to God and an open heart—challenging yet so joy giving too