a pondering mind

So, I am not sure what kind of mood I am in tonight. Somewhat pensive…a bit curious, a bit tired and a bit unsure of what to write which is odd to me. I can’t quite describe it. My fingers need to type but it is almost like I am not sure of what they will say before they say it. Its quite an odd sensation. J Its almost like I feel the need to laugh, but perhaps the need to cry or sit or think for a while too. I actually don’t really know what to do with myself.

Perhaps this is one of those moments where I’m wondering why I am here. Yet walking home from the Davis’s this evening I smiled with pure joy as I looked up at the stars, thanking God for this gift he’s given me. And on Sunday’s Easter service at TLC, the Life Center, this deep joy just bubbled up from inside of me filling my heart and my soul and seemed to pour out of everywhere. I was smiling and laughing so much that my cheeks literally hurt. And it hit me during the service that there was nowhere else I would rather be. It was right and perfect and a true fulfillment of a desire of my hear to be in Thailand this Easter. These Thai people are so bold in their faith—even though I couldn’t understand most of the service, the sense of joy and love and compassion seemed to permeate the very air I breathed. It was like everyone from the little girls from ALH who did the Easter dance, to the ALH boys with their breakdancing ministry, to the worship team, to the people that spoke, to Pi Gankaga and Uh-oh as they took offering and danced it out, to us sitting in the chairs listening and praying…everyone was filled with joy. Maybe that is what the presence of God feels like.

While I was sitting in the Easter service a small thought also came into my head. I’m coming back. I don’t know when or where or even how but somehow in the future I think God might be calling me back to Thailand. I’m trying to be open to what he means and am praying that he will show me how to respond and am trying to do my best to live openly. I guess it seems like I’m learning to pray the prayer-Here I am God, send me. I hope and pray that he will send me and use me wherever I go-whether its here in Thailand, or in Fresno, California that I will continue to learn what it means to love sincerely, hurt deeply, and extend compassion.

Slowly God is opening his little girl’s eyes. She is afraid to look sometimes but is learning to see what he reveals in his timing.