Phoenix rising out of the ashes

I once heard someone say that he didn't know where the conversation was going; well, I don't really know where this blog is going but I have been wanting to write more. it has been a long time since I connected through my writing and it is time for that to come back. I think today I am realizing how the little joys of life get us through the bigger, harder times of life. Its the sunshine on our shoulders while perched in the backyard on the grass; its the father pigeon that keeps tucking his wife in with new twigs and leaves to keep her and the nest safe; its the notes of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata played on the piano, or the simple joy of walking, being grateful for legs to walk with, arms to play the piano with and fingers to write with. Sometimes its the little things that get us through.

Sometimes its the little things that keep us sane. Sometimes the world seems to spin so fast around us that we spend our lives playing catch up to some great need to be perfect, to do the best, to be the best. But what if that is all wrong? What if instead, we are meant to walk around with perfectly imperfect lives and through our own brokenness learn to reach out to others and seek solitude together. What if, somehow, God transforms our brokenness into something he can use for his glory--a light that explodes the darkness, a light that explodes the past, what we thought was real, and instead gives us a new perspective? Sometimes I think we look at life all wrong, like we are trying to see it through rose colored glasses, when God is saying gently, "no, my child, remove your glasses and see the world as I see it. See your brokenness and pain, and see how I want to transform it into something beautiful." Sometimes I think I hold onto that hope, that God will take my own pain, my own struggles and transform them into something beautiful--a phoenix rising out of the ashes if you will. Sometimes I think we all have to cling to that, because if we didn't we would miss out on the beauty of life and the joy that life can bring. Sometimes we have to open ourselves up to something bigger than ourselves in order to understand the beauty and the joy. And if we do, if we choose to surrender, to move through the pain, I think God draws us closer to him and our hearts begin to beat in tune with his, to his song, instead of our own.

11 pm randomness

I write tonight because I have to, because something bigger than myself is pushing me, pulling me, prompting me, and persuading me to write. I have thoughts that are continually spinning around in my head that I can’t seem to stop. Thoughts which I think must indeed be worked out on paper in some form or fashion.

I was talking with one of my profs today, Jon Isaak, over at the seminary about some scriptural passages in Genesis 9—where Noah builds the ark, and gets saved while the rest of humanity drowns and is destroyed. The text talks about God regretting the decision he has made, about how it grieves him deeply yet nonetheless he continues on with his decision. I wonder if part, the people were to blame. Jon and I talked about how we need to be careful where the blame is located and it can’t all be located on God, the people had some choice in the matter. They chose, to use Jon’s terms, autonomy, alienation, and isolation. They chose to reject the relationship that God offers. Yet also, as Jon pointed out, within relationship there has to be freedom to “shut the door” there has to be freedom to reject, to turn away. Is that why these people died? Because they chose to be away from God instead of near him?

As I was continuing to wrestle with these ideas and the larger suffering of humanity as a whole (I know small talk, right? Lol), I realized that maybe just maybe we are not always going to understand God but we can choose to trust him anyway in spite of our not understanding. I really want to read the Elusive Presence by Samuel Terrian (it was brought up in class today—might check it out for some extra reading). In it, he talks about how God’s presence is a elusive and does remain a mystery. Greg Camp and I were talking tonight about how we often try to put God in a box, we try to pin human terms on him when in reality we can’t—he does remain a mystery. Yet at the same time, sometimes I think we use human terms in order to understand better. Its like sometimes when we think about God we get so abstract that we can’t really grasp it at all and I think that is when we begin to use human terms in order to have something to cling to. One of the commentaries I read for my paper on Hosea last semester talked about how “God loves us with the type of love he wants us to have.” I think we really only are catching a glimpse of the love, of the relentless relationship, of the desire, of the faithfulness of God and we will never really understand it yet we trust in it anyways. Sometimes it is just hanging on for the ride.

Maybe it is just learning to live in this tension. When Jon and I had conversation earlier this afternoon he talked about this need to live within the tension—the tension of grappling with issues and then resolving them. Perhaps we can’t completely resolve that tension but we are called to live in the middle of it. We are called to live in the midst of the uncertainty of the world and within that uncertainty we begin to learn what it means to trust God. Within that I think we begin to see how relationships are formed and how we continue to create space for the other. This is a time where we are called not to have the answers, but rather called to live because of the questions and because of the journey. It’s the nitty-gritty of life. Perhaps that nitty-grittiness can’t always be figured out. Or maybe it isn’t supposed to be.

stepping off the merry-go-round

September 5, 2008

So, here I sit again at Revue. The remains of my iced tea by my laptop’s side as soft jazz music soothes my theology-filled brain and slowly begins to relax the tension in my shoulders. Here I sit, writing, taking a break from reading ready to express a bit of myself thru writing. Not even quite sure what to write about today yet desiring to write nonetheless. Why is it that we do that? Why do we write even when we aren’t sure? Sometimes it seems like clarity only comes once we look back at what we have written, instead of having that crystallization of thought before the words appear on the page.

We can learn so much just by watching people, by observing. There is a man a few tables across from me, eyes intense on what he is reading and writing. His hair seems to silently swing in concentration as he pauses, red pen in between fingers, pondering something he has either just read or perhaps will write. His eyes gaze off into the distance, not really seeing the traffic that whizzes by on Olive street, not really seeing the older woman whoh pushes her elderly friend with bright pink lipstick in a wheel chair. Not seeing any of that, the man stares into space, foot beginning to wiggle in time to the jazz music that permeates the atmosphere here at Revue. We learn so much from watching.

Someone earlier commented on the slowness of the day today. “Today does seem to have the aura of slowness. But I think its what we do with the slowness that matters.” I replied. It does seem like a quiet day, a day where maybe much thinking can be done, a day for contemplation; perhaps a day for discovering God in the streets of Tower. Yet what will we do with these experiences? How do we embrace them and live them out in such a way that our slowness matters? I’m realizing that it is so incredibly easy to get caught up in the rush that society seems to push onto us. Its so easy to get on the merry-go-round we call life and never get off. Yet what if we chose to get off? What if we choose not to be hectic crazy busy but choose a life-style of contemplation? A life of discovering meaning? I’ve been reading a bit of Ecclesiastes recently—‘Meaningless, meaningless…a chasing after the wind.’ And maybe everything is meaningless but what does it mean to embrace it while it is here? What does it mean to LIVE the moment? To savor and to relish? To place life into each moment instead of sucking it away? To live and embrace each hour even if that hour brings us sorrow instead of joy? To realize that it is okay not to be okay…what does it mean to live?

embracing life

I am in a writing mood today and can’t even explain why. Sometimes days, moments, hours just seem to lend themselves to writing and this seems to be one of those times. J Contemplativeness seems to reign in my soul today and desires to sing out for some reason so beware of this song.

I’m currently allowing my fingers to rapidly though somewhat pensively type my laptop’s keys as m my eyes wander over the red, tan, and green striped wall paper of the wall opposite me. My feet are perched up on the seat before me and the skylight allows yellow sunlight to flood the ceiling and my boot here at Revue. This truly is my favorite coffee spot in town. Something about it just lends an air to writing, creativity, to thinking. Sometimes I think we can get so caught up in rushing around, in being busy, in moving on to the next and next and next thing that we forget to really seize and look at the stripes in the wall paper. This coffee shop seems to tells us to slow down, to wait, to think and ponder and not run away and hide from our thoughts as we are so apt to do. Rather we need to embrace them. I think its easy to run away, its easy to want to hide—especially from feelings which hurt us deeply yet how to embrace those as well? How to step out and allow yourself to feel rather than running?

I don’t want to run away. Something I’ve been feeling really convicted about especially over these last few months is how incredibly and insanely busy I was my final semester at Pacific. I loved everything I was doing and wouldn’t have wanted to not do any of it, yet at the same time I am also realizing that I was on that merry go round of busyness and its hard to get off. As much as I know I need to work a certain amount in order to live and I need to go to school and I know it will be busy to an extent, I think that’s the important phrases—to an extent. I don’t want to get so caught up in what I am doing that I miss who I am doing it with or what I am learning from it. Its like I want to embrace the experience instead of rush through it. I do feel this need to slow down, to smell the roses if you will, or the iced mocha that happens to be sitting beside me. To take time to connect with someone who maybe needs a few bucks for a sandwich, or maybe someone who just wants to talk and be your friend, even if it is for no apparent reason. I don’t want to miss out on any of those opportunities.

I was just up at Camp Keola for 2 weeks, speaking to jrs and jr. highers and learned so much about what it means to connect with people. What it means to be real with them. There were so many times where some one would ask me a question that I couldn’t answer, yet sometimes the answer wasn’t needed all that was needed was a hug and just someone to hold them and to know that its going to be okay. And sometimes I realize that I am that very person even though its hard to realize it. Sometimes, as we all do, we need someone to hold us and tell us its going to be okay. I think its easy to run from that-easy to run from those feelings of vulnerability, instability and confusedness. Yet instead maybe those are the times we turn to God and to family. And family in a large sense of the word. I realized recently that family is bigger than just biology. Family is the people that you trust, the people that you love and who love you. Sometimes I think God intentionally places people in our life to be his face to us. Those people are family.

Still so many questions, so many unanswered thoughts and musings. Yet that is okay. And learning to trust despite or perhaps because of those ponderings is a good thing…right?

shalom

May 28, 2008

So, here I sit, at yet another coffeeshop-CoffeeToday-to be precise. J I’m not sure when this blog will get posted, due to the lack of internet but I wanted to write it nonetheless. I sit here on May 28 with under a week left of my time here in Thailand. It is absolutely and completely surreal. In one of my last e-mails with my MBMSI mentor/friend, Andi, she said it seemed like just yesterday I was sitting at Denny’s with her and getting ready to go-I completely agree with her. Somehow it almost doesn’t seem right that I’m leaving. I can’t quite describe it the way I want….maybe that’s because its not really supposed to be described.

So many thoughts this last week and a half, I’m still processing so much! Last week, I had the opportunity to meet some of the people Bob and Chris will be working with in the Beth El cell group here in Chatchensago. Such dear, sweet, gentle people. A short term team from Canada was here, specifically to give supplies (blankets, toothbrushes, toothpaste and clothes) to the cell groups of Beth El. We had the chance to go with the team and Louise, a member of Team 2000, and sit with these people and pray with them. I was so moved by the stories I heard. There were four women in one village who had recently become Christians, a few months ago. We met in the house where the cell group meets-this house is truly a home even though it is made of wood planks with holes in them and a tin roof that leaks. It was church that day as we sat there together and God was so present-his heart was in that room.

One woman, Pi May, who is Bob and Chris’s meban has such an incredible story. She is such a dear woman and has this beautiful heart for God. When she was five, her farang American father left her family and as she grew up to have a family of her own, she had two kids with her husband and was pregnant with the third, her own husband left her for another woman. She had to get a job while she was three months pregnant and the only job that would take her was construction. So, she shoveled cement for the next 3 months or so. The baby came early, but was fine. She always struggled to put food on the table and a few months ago became a Christian. It still has been a struggle. Then, a few weeks ago, when Louise went into the village to see if anyone wanted to work as a housekeeper for Bob and Chris, she was literally making food from nothing. They didn’t have anything to eat that night. She is the meban for Bob and Chris now and is so grateful for it. My heart began to break for her. Her eyes-her soul was in her eyes. As she was talking and telling her story, her emotion came out on her face-I know that is something that Thai’s don’t do as much, and it moved me so much to hear her story.

There was also this older woman who became a Christian at the same time as May did, but has been having problems with her eyes. She needs glasses but can’t afford them. She wanted to read her Bible so badly but couldn’t because sheh couldn’t see the words. The driver of our van for the day (who wasn’t a Christian, but wanted to come in and listen anyway. He’d driven Louise and others to Chatchensago before), lent her his glasses, she put them on and began to read her Bible. This light just dawned over her face and a smile reached her eyes and just glowed there. Such a simple thing-and so easily taken care of. One of the team members gave money so she could buy glasses in the market.

Or the story of this gentle little girl, Bre, who had been coming to cell group until her grandfather found out. When he found out, he took her outside and beat her. She went back in to tell the others that she couldn’t come anymore and they didn’t see her for about a year. Then, last November, when a short term team was building a playground at her school, she started getting interested again. A grandma on the team had been praying for Bre for a year, and was able to love on this little girl. She gave her a Thai Bible, and after some convincing Bre was able to use it and has started coming to cell group again. This little girl-her eyes are so gentle yet seem to hide a pain that is so deep.

Jesus is in their faces. Its like when I look into these people’s eyes-there is hurt there, there is this need for love, there is this desperation for hope. These people seem to be crying out for something. Crying out for Someone. God is slowly breaking my heart for this nation, these people. Their eyes say so much—but sometimes its like Jesus is looking out. Its like those verses in Matthew 25 which say (paraphrased here):I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was naked and you clothed me….whenever you did this to the least of these, you did it to me. I don’t fully understand it but these people seem to be reaching out or maybe its like God is showing me that the need is so great. Its hard because as he is breaking me I struggle with the idea that I’m leaving. I hope and pray that if he continues to want me back here I will trust him for that and that he will continue to grow this desire. Though sometimes, I admit, it doesn’t feel like enough.

In Abba’s Child, Brennan Manning says, “The lives of those fully engaged in the human struggle will be riddled with bullet holes. Whatever happened to the life of Jesus is in some way going to happen to us. Wounds are necessary. The soul has to be wounded as well as the body. To think that the natural and proper state is to be without wounds is an illusion. Those who wear bulletproof vests protecting themselves from failure, shipwreck, and heartbreak will never know what love is. The unwounded life bears no resemblance to the Rabbi.” (p.158) Sometimes I wonder if God is allowing me to learn a bit of his heart. As much as the suffering of those around me here hurts me so much and breaks me inside it must break him so much more.

I don’t even know how to end this blog. So perhaps I will just end it. I am so grateful that I will be coming back to see everyone in a few days. I am grateful to have people and family to go back to. Yet I definitely continue to pray for this nation and for what God is doing in my heart here. It is a hard thing to trust him with one of the deepest desires of my heart-to serve him here, a hard lessons but yet a good one.

Shalom.

I raise my glass to life!

May 18, 2008

Once again my fingers begin to type at my laptop. Once again I have thoughts to share…though those occur quite frequently. J However, this may perhaps be the final time I have to share with you before I return to the States. We are moving to Chatchensago tomorrow and I am unsure of what the internet status will be. Rest assured, I will probably still be writing thoughts down but I don’t know exactly when I will be able to post said thoughts. ;)

It has been hard beginning to say my “good-byes” or rather “see you soon’s” I’ve discovered that the word good-bye is so hard to say. So I say “see you soon” in lieu of it. It helps a bit. I had my language check this week for module 1-yay I met my goal!-which went all right. I was encouraged that I knew a lot for how many lessons I had and yes there is definite work needed to be done on tones, sentence structure and certain sounds-but I can continue polishing and working on that without a doubt. After the check on Friday, I had to say good-bye to my teachers-Khruu Toom, Khruu Awd, and Khruu Wan. That was rough. I gave all of them hugs and thanked them for their friendship. In Thai culture it is considered culturally inappropriate to “lose face”. I was trying so hard not too-I didn’t cry or anything but I have a feeling my face betrayed a bit of what I was feeling. My one teacher, Khruu Toom told me, “yes I will see you in two years—with two people. (meaning I have to get married). If you don’t come back with two people, I don’t want to see you.” J that made me laugh. Even though I only had the chance to get to know them a little bit I have been blessed by my teachers and am so grateful for them all.

I have had many joyful moments this week-and so many more faces added to the pictures in my head. There is this one little boy, I think about 2, who with his mom, is sitting usually right outside 7-11 the time of day I go in to get a drink to go with lunch. Well, his mom has taught him to “wai” (the thai way of greeting) me every time he sees me. This last time, on Friday, I was absorbed in getting my bike’s kickstand to stay down and I heard someone persistently making noises as if they wanted to be heard-like a little kid noise. I looked up, and to be sure, there was my little friend, waiing me. J I smiled back and said hello. I love how this smile just breaks out over his face when I smile back. Its like sunlight coming out!

Riding home from school, I always see this one elderly woman pushing a usually empty cart on the side of the road. She is so petite and small. Her skin is darkened by the sun, she wears a big brimmed hat and her smile lines are etched into her face. Every day I pass her we smile at each other. Joy is present in this woman.

I said good-bye to my friend the fruit-seller today as well. He asked when I was coming back to Thailand and I told him I hoped in about 2 years but I didn’t know for sure. And then I think he said something along the lines that he would not forget me whether I was in Thailand or in America and that he hoped I would come back. Such a sweet and gentle man. I think he has enjoyed teaching me Thai-and even though I don’t understand all of our conversations, I have enjoyed beginning to understand more. It has been a delight.

For the last time today, I biked down and went to my favorite spot by the river. I had decided in lieu of attending the church service, I would take a bit of a personal retreat with God and am so grateful I did. I didn’t see my puppy which saddened me, yet I will always remember Annie and have been grateful for her puppy friendship. When I got there, I met a security guard from across the way. He came over to give me a piece of newspaper to sit on so I wouldn’t get scratched by the weeds. Very thoughtful of him. We chatted for a bit and I discovered that he wanted to learn more English. He wanted me to teach him but I couldn’t because I’m leaving tomorrow and then going back to the States in 2 weeks. He asked for my e-mail so we could e-mail in English and I gave one of them to him. We’ll see what happens with that. God bless him.

Sitting by the river this morning—such a delight and true moments of peace. There is something about meeting with God when I’m outside-always, ever since 8^th grade or so, I’ve been able to meet with him differently outside. Its like when the walls of my room are the sky we are able to talk better—or perhaps I just listen more. I was reminded again of the verse “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still…rest in God’s presence. The fact that God invites us into his presence and wants to cherish us so much still astounds me. I think I am becoming aware of his grace more-not that I really understand it, but become more aware of its gentle presence. More and more God seems to be opening my eyes and my heart to live more…..

Socrates once said, “The unaware life is not worth living.” I think I agree with him. I think that the more aware we become the more we can live life to its fullest. Living with open hands….living a life of joy. Something to think about, hey?

some reflections....

The days seem to grow shorter between my writing periods. J Or perhaps I am simply discovering the need to write more. I am finding that writing helps me process life….moments of joy and moments of sadness. Its good to be able to get thoughts out onto paper, though sometimes they can be a bit alarming when we see them in stark black and white.

On the activity side of life-things are going really well. We’ve spent the last two weekends
getting the house in Chatchnesago ready for the Davis’s (and myself for 2 weeks) to move into. Its been fun watching the house come together. We’ve gone from painting to beginning to furnish—its almost like watching someone creating a painting or a composition, yet this is a home.

This last weekend I was also blessed again to have the chance to go to TLC. J It was an unexpected surprise and I was so grateful for that. Louise (member of Team 2000) asked me if I could help out with the story in Sunday-school. She asked if I would tell it English for the farang kids and she would translate it into Thai. The story was from Acts 14 (?) about Paul and the storm on his way to Rome. I had a great time paraphrasing it in English (it’d be so much fun someday to be able to do it in Thai). I’d forgotten how much I loved telling kids bible stories. Louise translated into Thai and Diana (a Treker) drew pictures on the board to illustrate. Pretty much we had a great time tag-teaming the event. J I also got to know one of the ALH girls a little bit. She remembered me from the week before and when she saw me began tickling me. J Why, I’m not sure but I tickled back and proceeded to let her piggy back ride up and down the stairs a few times when we were going up and down (which was more than I thought it would be). And I also ended up sitting with her most of the time/playing games with her. Such a sweetheart. I hope to get the chance to hang out with her more.

After church we went over to the mall for pizza and a movie (Iron Man) to celebrate Jason’s birthday, which he fully enjoyed both (the rest of us did too). Then it was back to Lopburi…rather a long drive but eventually we made it, by 1 am. J Jason asked me to tell him a story…so I took about half an hour and paraphrased The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis. Definitely glad I’ve read it so many times.

On more of a deeper note, things seem to be going all right with me and God. I’m continuing to soak in these opportunities to get to know Him better. I think the reality of me heading back to the States is beginning to sink in a bit, which has made it a bit more rocky emotionally recently. Sometimes I’m not sure so sure how I will handle it but I’m trying to do my best to give it all up to God and let go of it.

I had a couple quotes I wanted to share with you from Manning’s Ruthless Trust. Definitely a thought-provoking and very convicting read. He talks so much about what it means to be beloved by God and what it means to truly trust Him. Its been convicting in a lot of ways….how do we really love God and love others and yet still rest secure in God’s hands and dance to his heartbeat? He talks about saying yes to acknowledging the imminent presence of Christ in our daily lives. He says, “This yes is an act of faith, a decisive, whole hearted response of my whole being to the risen Jesus present beside me, before me, and within me; a cry of confidence that my faith in Jesus provides security not only in the face of death but in the face of a worse threat posed by my own malice; a word that must be said not just once but repeated over and over again in the ever-changing landscape of life.” (99). So…what do you think? I thought that was particularly challenging as I feel like I’m at this pivotal point of saying yes to so many things—yes to loving God more, yes to loving others and serving them with my life, yes to being open to whatever God has for me here and in the States. But yet this yes is an ongoing process. I find it so encouraging that it is not just one instant and then over and done with. Rather, God invites us to say yes…again and again and again. Richard Rohr once said, “We are born, not once, but again…and again and again.” What Manning says here reminds me of that-how can we keep saying yes to God?

So, challenging to say the least. J But life is good. Check it out: “Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). The way He related to Peter, John, and Mary Magdalene is the way He relates to us. The recovery of passion starts with reappraising the value of the treasure, continues with letting the Great Rabbi hold us against His heart, and comes to fruition in a personal transformation of which we will not even be aware.” (Manning, p. 131) I love it-so much discussion on what it means to be passionate about God, about life, and about drawing closer to God. This time is such a gift of that. I’m realizing that as I am out of my comfort zone, as I am out of what I am familiar with…it seems like God keeps drawing me closer to himself and I am learning what it means to trust him more. What a blessing, hey?

joy

It feels like its been so much longer than 10 days since I last wrote. J Perhaps that’s because so much tends to happen here. Its funny because I’m not “busy” in the sense of running around crazy and can’t get off the merry-go-round busy (did that last semester, probably not the best idea), yet life is definitely full. However, its full in a good way-full of time to reflect and hang out with God, full of time teaching Jason and learning Thai, full of conversations with good friends, full of time painting the Davis’s new home in Chatchensago, full of time of processing and discovery. I love it.

As I type tonight, I’m listening to Switchfoot’s Concrete Girl. That song is all about masks and how easy it is to break down-how we try so hard not to crack our façade but in all honesty our masks are cracked and worn, yet it seems like we just keep plastering more paint and glue on to keep them together. It corresponds a lot with what I’ve been reading in Brennan Manning’s book, Abba’s Child. In his book he talks a lot about what it means to belong to God as his Beloved child and how to rest secure in that. Its so easy to forget, hey? I love this quote. Manning and Nouwen in the same paragraph talking about what it means to be beloved by God. “Writing to a New York intellectual and close friend, Henri Nouwen stated, ‘All I want to say to you is, ‘You are the Beloved, and all I hope is that you can here these words spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold. My only desire is to make these words reverberate in every corner of your being-“You are the Beloved”. Anchored in this reality; our true self needs neither a muted trumpet to herald our arrival nor a gaudy soapbox to rivet attention from others. We give glory to God simply by being ourselves.” (Manning, p. 52, the parentheses are ingrained in me from college, sorry if it bothers you).

Manning goes on to talk about the beauty of silence and solitude. The beauty of having those intimate moments with God where it is just you and him and no one else. Sometimes I think it is so easy to escape those moments, to seek to hide from them, yet perhaps really God wants to give them to us as a gift. Maybe we just have to take it. I’ve been learning so much about what it means to be intimate with God-what it means to listen and wait on him. Its like sometimes I’ve encountered those “thin places” (a friend once called it that and I love her phrase) where the curtain between me and God begins to become transparent. Where I begin to sense God’s heart in a deeper, more alive way. It reminds me of C.S. Lewis’s description of heaven in The Last Battle, everything was realer and richer-sometimes I think I catch small and brief glimpses of the character of God and it is such a humbling experience.

Manning says, “Silence is not simply the absence of noise or the shutdown of communication with the outside world, but rather a process of coming to stillness. Silent solitude forges true speech. I’m not speaking of physical isolation; solitude here means being alone with the Alone, experiencing the transcendent Other and growing in awareness of one’s identity as the beloved. It is impossible to know another person intimately without spending time together. Silence makes this solitude a reality. It has been said, ‘Silence is solitude practiced in action.’”(p.56). What do you think? I love this idea of silence is solitude practiced in action-such a beautiful way to say it and so true, hey?

I’ve also been experiencing a lot of joyful moments this past week. I’m trying so much to just live in the present and cherish each moment as my time here begins to draw to a close. The kids next door to me, Jonas and Noemi are so much fun to play with. They truly bring me delight each day. I’ve become “Aunt Melody” to them and it makes me smile every time they say it. Every time Jonas comes up and whispers a secret in my ear, or Noemi sidles over for a hug. I wrote this yesterday: “A hug from Noemi is enough to bring joy to my heart. Joy that wells up without understanding. Love and compassion, her simple trust in our friendship is so true and so real. Sometimes I want to cling to these moments forever.”

Jason and I had a really great study day today. He is also so much fun to be around-I love his creative and imaginative mind. I’ve discovered that rewarding him with a new book after earning a certain number of points is working really well for his motivation to complete schoolwork with a good attitude. I’m blessed to feel like at last I’m connecting with him. This last weekend, as we were down in Chatchensago, painting the Davis’s new house, Jason and I had a few fun moments-whether it was dumping suds on each other as we washed walls, threatening to paint each other, or playing chess-it was good to connect. I hope that connection lasts for a very long time.

So exciting to see what God is doing. Here in Thailand, back in the States, in me as a person, in the people around me. I love being a part of it and having this chance to serve others. It is such a gift and so precious. Learning to live with open hands to God and an open heart—challenging yet so joy giving too

the joy of learning thai

April 27, 2008

So, my dear friends how are you doing? I hope all is going well, or at least okay for you as you read this. Thank you again for wanting to read and your prayers are so appreciated. And thank you to all who have and continue to e-mail me. It always brightens my day to receive an e-mail or note from you!

This week has been a week full of learning. To begin, I had my first full week of Thai classes-1 every day for four days in a row. It was good though sometimes I have a hard time breaking from it. I’ve even found myself dreaming about learning Thai the last few nights. Waking up, I will have a remnant of a dream stuck in my mind-me talking with my teacher, “Phuut phaasaaa Thay nitnooy.” (I can speak Thai a little, and yes that is phonetic spelling, or at least the closet I can get typing it on my laptop. It really helps when learning the language). However, there have also been some great times of me using the Thai I’m learning. Last Friday I took the afternoon for some personal time and went by the market in the evening to get something to eat. I stopped to get som-tam by the day market. (Som-tam is papaya salad—spicy but one of my favorite meals! My friend Kat and I are sadly addicted). I ended up talking Tinglish with the next customer in line. He began by asking me if I was from Utah. I replied I wasn’t but from California. It took me a while to catch on but finally I gathered that he asked because he was wondering if I was with the Mormon group of farangs that are also here in Lopburi. I replied that I wasn’t with the Mormons and was a Christian. Then, I think he said in a mix of Thai and English that the Mormons were teaching him English and their religion. I asked if he liked it and he said it was confusing. “You Christians-you have one God. The one man (I think referring to Joseph Smith in the Mormon religion) is confusing.” We talked for a bit longer and as our conversation came to a close I felt like I should tell him Jesus loved him. So I did. My friend Kat had taught me how to say it in Thai. He seemed to appreciate it. He probably had heard it before. But his smile reached his eyes. J

Then, as I was going to my bike I had discovered it had been moved to make way for a car to park. “Khaathoot kha” (I’m sorry) I said to the people sitting on the sidewalk, thinking it had probably blocked their car. “May pen ray” (never mind, don’t worry) they told me. Well, that struck up a conversation. “Chuu May” (May is my thai name—like the month of May and also short for Melody). Once the ladies found out I could speak a little Thai they were all excited. We chatted for the next 10 minutes or so, in which I probably used the extent of my Thai, covering where I’m from, how long I’m here in Thailand, what I am doing here and that they did not believe I was from America because apparently my nose doesn’t look American. I was told that I was Pinocchio—or that I was lying when I said I was from America. (and according to my teacher, my eyes also look somewhat European. Go figure!) I’m still laughing about that one. So, the person I mainly got to know, Kay, introduced me to her mom and her sister. Her sister, Ey, wanted me to talk to her boyfriend on the phone so I did—in my broken Thai. It was so funny I can just imagine it in their conversation. “Wow-a farang who can speak Thai. My boyfriend has to know about this!” And then she handed me the phone “here talk to him.” So funny. Kay and her sister sell shirts while their mom sells soft drinks. I found out they are there Monday, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I saw them again briefly last night. I was riding over there on my way to a coffeeshop and stopped to say hi. I didn’t see anyone but then heard my name, “May! May” and I stopped. I hope to go back and just sit with them for a while sometime soon. Even though I can’t converse too much more it’d be good to just sit. They seem like such fun people to get to know.

Today I went for a bike ride and just listened to God. I love going on bike rides by the chong (river). Its so beautiful and so peaceful. Times like that just loan themselves to listening to God, you know? God is definitely teaching me so much—learning to listen and be still with him. Its good.

I love life.

discovering God's heart

April 18, 2008

At this moment I am perched on my bed at the beautiful hour of almost 10pm with my fingers typing to the beat of Postal Service in a very contemplative and pensive mood and somewhat apologetic for not having written sooner. Lots to tell and lots of thoughts to process, I am glad you are a part of this journey with me.

To begin with, last week was the Songkran Festival! J It is a national holiday that has been happening for many years now and originated with people sprinkling water on each other around this time in April in order to bless one another. My understanding that over time it has now evolved into a full scale national water fight! It is one of the funnest (and yes, I know that is not a word yet it is a Melodyism that describes the week perfectly, its so hard to believe I’m college graduate sometimes) experiences you can ever have! I had the opportunity to travel up north with Bob, Chris, and Jason and my friend Kat came along too. We journeyed to visit Chey Kong and specifically to visit the Khmu people whom Bob and Chris will be working with in about a year. We visited the same 2 villages and the nursery school that my team had visited last summer. It was a bit of a surreal experience for me, not being there with my Action team but visiting the same places and even stayed in the same bamboo church! I loved it so much. I got to know one little girl in particular (who I realized later I had also connected with last summer), she was about 5 years old and one of the cutest girls I know. I started playing sticks with her-I had just been learning my numbers in Thai (I can count to 10!) and was practicing, making funny sounds and faces along the way. She just thought that was absolutely hilarious!! It made me laugh to see her get her huge smile and laugh. When she laughed her eyes got all twinkly, her mouth opened up huge-almost in a smile too big for her face and without her front teeth she would give me the biggest grin possible. After the initial “stick” time, we hung out and just sat together a lot, had piggy back rides or played ball. As I was sitting with her in church on Sunday, I realized that it just felt so right. It struck me that it felt like I was doing what God created me for.

Wow.

It still strikes me a bit speechless. So, lets just say I’m praying with how God wants me to respond to that. I’m also reading this incredible book by Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust, in it he talks a lot about radical trust with God. He gave an example of Mother Teresa. I have to share this with you because it convicted me so much:

“When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at ‘the house of the dying’ in Calcutta, he was seeing a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, ‘And what can I do for you?’ Kaavanaugh asked her to pray for him.

‘What do you want me to pray for?’ she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of milds from the United States. ‘Pray that I have clarity.’

She said firmly, ‘No, I will not do that.’ When he asked her why, she said, ‘Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.’ When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, ‘I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.” (Ruthless Trust p. 5).

What do you think? It really convicted me because coming over, one of the things I was praying for was clarity—especially clarity for serving God in long term missions. However, perhaps the bigger thing to pray for is trust?

Anyways, the rest of the week was great! Lots of amazing experiences-and we even participated in the water fight. Bob has a blue “sang-taaw” (a truck with seats in the back and a cover, but only flaps that can be pulled down if cover is desired) and we purchased a big black garbage can, filled it with water, and proceeded to use our small buckets to sling water on the roadside people. However, numerous times they soaked us more than we got them partly due to Bob. J He would slow down right before the people allowing them to soak us before we could retaliate or even load with ammo. J Then he would come back and check on us with innocence dripping in his tone, “What-you’re wet? How did that happen?” J talk about making me laugh…. A lot. Anyways, it was great fun.

It was a good time to rest and just spend some good time hanging out with God. I’m learning to listen more…which is good. I also had some great talks with Kat which were….revealing in a lot of ways. So, hey-here’s to learning to trust God!

“The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.”~Brennen Manning (Ruthless Trust p. 13)

from the words of "dek" (children)

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . .
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to
8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have
imagined See what you think:
________________________________

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands
got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8
________________________________
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4
________________________________
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5
________________________________
'Lo ve is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6
________________________________
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4
________________________________
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7
________________________________
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8
________________________________
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
_______________________________ _
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate,'

Nikk a - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
________________________________
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7
________________________________
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6
________________________________
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8
________________________________
'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6
________________________________
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5
________________________________
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7
________________________________
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4
________________________________
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4
________________________________
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7
________________________________
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6
________________________________
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
________________________________
And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's
yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

a bit o my rambles

Beware...I’ve started writing. Who knows where this could end up? :-) I have a feeling that my fingers will type reflectively tonight as I feel in a somewhat reflective mood. I’m tired too...so its quite possible there could be many repetitions as well. I’m starting that life has many ups and downs and in-betweens. There are times when we feel like we are on the moutain top-shouting to the world "I am alive and glad to be so!" And then there are the valleys where we just have to keep walking...and walking...and walking. Yet we enjoy the beautiful scenary as it passes. And then there are the hills we climb where it is hard yet eventually we make it to the top and while we are climbing we have that goal in sight. And sometimes...there are those times when we go down into what seems like a pit only to eventually climb out agian. I wonder...sometimes I wonder how we choose to live and why we choose to live in certain ways? If that makes sense....

Its like we can choose how we respond to life. We can choose to be joyful, or sad. We can choose to embrace what is happening or not. We can choose to live our life with intetnion and adventure. What drives us? What makes us who we are? Is it what we believe? What we choose to believe? How we respondn to those around us? Is our faith so much a part of who we are that that in itself can define us?

Lots of thoughts...so much contemplation. :) Psalms 92 talks about revering God with an undivided heart. That verse is sticking with me...what does it mean to revere God really? And what does it mean to give him your whole heart? If he has our whole heart, doesn’t he have our whole life as well? And how can we live that life in a way that would reflect him? So much of life is about reflelcting something greater, isn’t it? I was realzing the other day that love here on earth is perhaps just a reflection of what God has for us. Like the feelings and care that we can’t even believe is inmaginable yet we do feel lit for other people though we can’t articulate it. Those feelings are simply an imitaiton of the real thing. That real thing being the love God has for us. I know I’ve heard that concept before..yet its struck deeper this time....something to ponder eh?

(I know I just said eh...all lthis Candian influence) :)

So, on a more informative note...I started Thai lessons week. They are going well--I've only had two so far but so far so good. Its really hard. Yet its good for me. I'm practicing so many different sounds. I can hear the differences but at times my mouth refuses to make the sound. So strange, eh? Well...I'm learning a new defintion of the word "practice". :) I know that I will only be able to take lessons for about a month and a half, yet anything I can get will help me so much for now, and hopefully for later on down the road. I really do love the language-its like music. All that choral training I've had with Roy Klassen at Pacific is more affective in learning Thai than I realized. Having learned how to listen to those around me and match my voice to theirs-ithelps as I'm working to match my voice to the CD's or my teacher's as I am trying to make these new sounds. I'm grateful it is one-on-one learning. That helps me so much. I'm still incredibly shy in my lessons, but hopefully I will get more confidant as time goes on. I'm also very grateful for all the linguistcs classes I had. At the time, I had never imagined that I would havce wanted to learn Thai and that international phonetics would come in handy, but guess how I'm learning the sounds/words in Thai? that's right-international phonetics! :)

Its been a bit of a harder week this week, yet I'm still learning so much. I listened to a friend's sermon tape today and her pastor was talking about how we need to live an adventure for God and that we need to ask him to lead us. I was struck by the realization that I would have never dreamed 2 years ago that I would be here-in Thailand, learning what it means to serve God and learning what it means to love others. Once we say God-here I am, its overwhelming and exciting to see where he takes us. Sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride. :) This week has been more of a day-to-day walk, but that's okay. I suppose some weeks are just like that. yet I am still learning what it means to connect with God, even day to day. I think sometimes I thought it would all be a moutain top high. I'm realizing that is not the case and even being in Thailand has its harder times, yet God is still there. Its good to be realizing that.

Learning to live open, learning to love, learning to experiment with the truth. Life may be hard...yet it is still good.

Would love to hear your thoughts on my quiet ramblings...I’m always open to conversation! So....what do you think?

a pondering mind

So, I am not sure what kind of mood I am in tonight. Somewhat pensive…a bit curious, a bit tired and a bit unsure of what to write which is odd to me. I can’t quite describe it. My fingers need to type but it is almost like I am not sure of what they will say before they say it. Its quite an odd sensation. J Its almost like I feel the need to laugh, but perhaps the need to cry or sit or think for a while too. I actually don’t really know what to do with myself.

Perhaps this is one of those moments where I’m wondering why I am here. Yet walking home from the Davis’s this evening I smiled with pure joy as I looked up at the stars, thanking God for this gift he’s given me. And on Sunday’s Easter service at TLC, the Life Center, this deep joy just bubbled up from inside of me filling my heart and my soul and seemed to pour out of everywhere. I was smiling and laughing so much that my cheeks literally hurt. And it hit me during the service that there was nowhere else I would rather be. It was right and perfect and a true fulfillment of a desire of my hear to be in Thailand this Easter. These Thai people are so bold in their faith—even though I couldn’t understand most of the service, the sense of joy and love and compassion seemed to permeate the very air I breathed. It was like everyone from the little girls from ALH who did the Easter dance, to the ALH boys with their breakdancing ministry, to the worship team, to the people that spoke, to Pi Gankaga and Uh-oh as they took offering and danced it out, to us sitting in the chairs listening and praying…everyone was filled with joy. Maybe that is what the presence of God feels like.

While I was sitting in the Easter service a small thought also came into my head. I’m coming back. I don’t know when or where or even how but somehow in the future I think God might be calling me back to Thailand. I’m trying to be open to what he means and am praying that he will show me how to respond and am trying to do my best to live openly. I guess it seems like I’m learning to pray the prayer-Here I am God, send me. I hope and pray that he will send me and use me wherever I go-whether its here in Thailand, or in Fresno, California that I will continue to learn what it means to love sincerely, hurt deeply, and extend compassion.

Slowly God is opening his little girl’s eyes. She is afraid to look sometimes but is learning to see what he reveals in his timing.

OIT-only in Thailand

March 18, 2008

So many more memories to share-and so many more stories to tell. J So my friend, Kat and I had a very eventful weekend, though not on our own planning. It was completely unintentional. Sunday morning bright and early we were just finishing breakfast when I spied an elderly man outside our door and gate shouting, “Excuse me! Excuse me please”. He was clothed in a sarang and had a somewhat angry frown on his face directed at me. I being myself, an honorary roommate, and still knowing very little Thai told my friend Kat that someone was at the door. Well, she went outside to see what he wanted. He proceeded to make a clucking sound and motioned like he was turning a key in the gate lock. Kat, inwardly laughing, went and got the key and unlocked the gate. He then came in, with a pot in hand and a large pole of some type. He pointed at something in the ground. Kat bent over to look only to discover it was some type of tea leaf. He then set his pot down beside it evident that he wanted to have the said tea leaf. “Mai pen rai” Kat told him, with a smile on her face (‘whatever’). He then proceeded to pull a hammer from who knows where and pound the his pole with it, steadily and slowly breaking up the cement around the area. J He finally reached his goal and extracted the tea leaf and put in his pot. When this was all over (which had been about 20 minutes) he turned to Kat and said gravely with a clear and loud voice, “thank you very much.” And left. What a story, hey? We are still laughing about it over here-oh the things you see and encounter in Thailand! :-D

That evening I was extremely excited because through an unexpected turn of events my very good friend, Desiree, who was on my team here last summer and whom I had not seen since then, was in Lopburi for the evening! She is studying at Chiang Mai university this semester and was traveling for a few days and happened to stop in Lopburi on her way to Ayutthua. We worked it out and got to have dinner together. When we met up at the steps of the Tesco-Lotus we both squealed with excitement and hugged each other—it felt so surreal yet so wonderful at the same time. “Can you believe it Mel—we’re here… together…in Thailand!” I was equally excited. It was such a true encouragement and blessing to my heart to be able to spend even a few hours with Des. I am so excited to hear about everything she is doing here and how life is going for her in the States….it was such a true gift. I think God might have known I needed a good friend—it was like seeing a bit of what happened last summer and Des is a true kindred spirit, as Anne would say. When we were here last summer, we talked about coming back together in a few years to live in Chonburi and teach English….we’re still thinking about it. And Des also mentioned working at Agape-which is the AIDS orphanage where she has been interning-for a 1 to 2 year internship. Something to definitely pray about….

Monday I spent the whole day in Bangkok with my friend Faa and her boyfriend Reg. We went shopping, had lunch, ate some ice cream, I met Faa’s family-her mom is so sweet and we just talked. It was an all around good day, even though it was full. J That evening however, as Reg and I were riding back to Lopburi in a van, we found out that my roommate Kat had had a fainting spell. She had been talking with some friends in the market and suddenly felt unwell, sat down and fainted. She is okay now—Renee took her to the hospital where they thought it could have been food poisoning/dehydration. They sent her home with some antibiotics and she’s been drinking lots and lots of liquids and resting a lot recently. I’m so glad she’s okay and that she was with friends when she passed out and that they knew what to do. She’s laying on her bed across from me “watching” Pride and Prejudice, but has fallen asleep already. She needs her rest, its good for her.

And I have once more incident that I wanted to share from this morning actually before sharing some of my more serious thoughts. J Lately, as in today and yesterday, I have taken to getting up a bit earlier and going out to sit by the river to have some devo time. Well, this morning, I headed out a different direction than normal and spotted the perfect spot—or so it would seem. J It appeared to be a bit of a steep embankment but then it flattened out and there was a beautiful small tree and a small rock to sit in, though I usually just sit in the dirt. Well, not really wanting to leave my bike up at the top of the road I thought we would go down the embankment together. Yeah—bad idea. J We were attempting to go down slowly (oh-and I’m also in flip-flops, not the best for their grip) but the bike’s weight made it roll a bit faster. Soon it was sliding and so was I. We slid together and landed in a rather ungraceful thud in about a second. I had reached the tree and only had a few scrapes. My bike seemed to bear the worst of it, for later I had come to find that the handlebars were twisted a bit (however, Bob was able to fix that for me in just a few minutes when I got to his house). I proceeded to have my devos and enjoyed spending time with God. I look back now and laugh though-a self-inflicted bike tumble, how funny! When I told my friend Kat, we both had a good laugh….ahh the things to learn. Suffice to say, I most likely will not be traveling down any more riverside steep embankments with Soliloquy anytime soon.

Josh and I have started reading this book The Sacred Romance together, by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge-they talk so much about what it means to draw close to the heart of God and how we have a longing in our own hearts for something that we can’t fully express. Though sometimes we can get caught up in putting on external selves and keep our real, inner selves hidden away. Frederick Buechner was quoted to say, “[our] original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out at all…rather we learn tno live out of all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.” That was challenging to me—how can I learn to express my real self, my ‘shimmering’ self to the world instead of hiding it behind. Sometimes I wonder, as one of my housemates pointed out, if by being busy, we choose to hide ourselves from the world. Do we choose our mask or does our mask choose us?

The authors go on to say “our journey will take us to explore the hidden questions of our heart, born out of the stories of our lives” (p. 10). That was just true poetry in the way it was phrased but I also was drawn to the idea by its use of journey and questions. I am learning more and more each day that life is a journey and I’ve been told that its more about enjoying the questions than getting the answer anyway. That causes me to ask how can I live the questions of my heart even they are questions without answers? How can I live them on this journey of life that God is walking with me on?

shout of joy?

March 12, 2008

So, once again I sit at my computer needing wanting eager to write. Its funny how these needs come over me sometimes-stories that need to be told, words that need to be written. And you my dear readers, I thank you so much for taking the time to read what I write. It is so encouraging to know that my words are being read and heard and perhaps cause you to think thoughts that you would not have otherwise.

Last Monday, my friend Kat and I went to Ayutthua, the city which used to be the capital of Thailand, by train! We spent the whole day there and biked around the city looking at different ruins, monasteries, wats (Buddisht temples), the reclining Buddha, and beautiful scenery. There was something about biking around the city that gave it such a different flavor than on foot-more freedom perhaps. There was one moment where I was biking by a river that had a grove of trees lining its banks. The leaves were dancing in the water and in the slight breeze. This sense of pure joy just washed over me and I almost laughed from the giddiness of it!

There were harder moments that day too. At one of the most prominent temples we were walking around it just looking. As we passed by one of the sides, there was this little boy-mal-nourished and with legs only to his knees (from then it was just like he had stumps), small arms, and empty eyes. He was sitting with his pink backpack on the temple steps. One of our group mentioned, “Poor kid.” “yeah,” I said in response but I looked to the ground unable to understand the intensity of hurt that had entered my heart. As we kept walking, I kept thinking-unable to get the little boy’s face out of my mind. I kept thinking of what my pastor, James, had told me about loving one person at a time, and loving the person that is in front of me. I wanted to give him money, but knew that he probably wouldn’t get it. I thought about giving me water but wasn’t sure he would appreciate it and then I thought—ice cream. If he was there when I got back, I would buy him ice cream. As we rounded the building and came to the front-there he was. I stood for a while-looking at the temple and pondering what to do in my heart. I bought him a strawberry ice cream and gave it to him with some money. The faintest, tiniest glimmer of a smile seemed to pass over his face in just an instant. Yet his eyes remained empty. As I went up the temple steps it felt like God was just breaking my heart-for this child and all the hundreds that are here. I’m opening my eyes-now what am I going to do about it?

Psalm 126 is a psalm my friend, Audrey, gave me to reflect on while I was here last time. I think I am going to memorize it while I’m here. It says:

"When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,

we were like those who dream.

Then our mouth was filled with laughter,

And our tongues with shouts of joy,

Then it was said among the nations;

‘The Lord has done great things for us,

and we rejoiced’

Restore our fortunes, O Lord,

Like the watercourses in the Negeb.

May those who sow in tears

Reap with shouts of joy

Those who go out weeping,

Hearing the seed for sowing

Shall come home with shouts of joy,

Carrying the sheaves.”

Sometimes I feel like I am pleading with God-will I go back with shouts of joy? And how can these experiences fill me with joy even now? the rest of the day was good though more thoughtful. sometimes I wonder if I think too much or feel too deeply but in one way its this burning desire in me to tell these stories and experiences. thank you for being a part of them. you are a part of the story and I hope that hearing my experiences will perhaps encourage you to think and dream dreams that you would have possibly not otherwise. God bless you.

solioquy

Soft breeze

Makes dry grass

Crackle

Edge of dusk

Peers over ending of day

Golden light

Glimmers on riverbank

Water silent

Swiftly moves forward

Dog barks

Rooster crows

Birds converse

Yet

Water silent

Swift

Moves on

Pale purple blossoms

Grow

In the midst of garbage and weeds

Grace

In the middle of imperfection

Like us really

Water

Swift and silent

Moves on

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a little something I wanted to share with you all. I wrote it when I was sitting down by the river, attempting to capture the magic of it all, I'm not sure how much of it transferred but hopefully you get something of what I mean.

I also named my bike for those of you that are wondering-Solioquy. It means talking when alone-I do a lot of that, though mostly in the form of writing. One day when I was just sitting by the river, having escaped the noise of town, I looked up and there she was shillouhetted by the sunlight-the name was there. Its a bit poetic, i know, but hey...I have a creative bent so why not?

a day off?

So, I am in a pensive mood tonight and I can’t exactly explain why. I’m in a writing mood and thus I have taken my computer in hand and set my fingers to typing. Sometimes when the mood strikes it just needs to be done so here I sit typing away on my black keys. J

I had an unexpected day off today—which was pleasant, though the reason I was off was not so pleasant. Jason caught something over the weekend, some type of flu bug. Keep him in your prayers-he’s getting better and I plan to be with him tomorrow, though I’m not sure how much actual school work we will accomplish. Being sick is no fun and I often find that it takes a few days for mind/body to fully recuperate.

Nonetheless, I was left with a day off on my hands. And what did I do with this unexpected luxury, you ask? Quite a few things actually—I had lunch with my friends Baa and Noon and Baa’s family. That was a true cultural experience. I sat and smiled a lot, ate amazing food-some of which was quite spicy, and tried to follow conversation as much as I could. There I was, sitting in a Thai restaurant, very conscious of my “farangness” in the midst of a Thai family trying to make sense of it all. Noon knows a bit of English, so she and I would chat for random bits of the time but for the most part the conversation was in Thai. I might start teaching Baa’s sister English. She knows some, but desires to know more and said she could also help me with my Thai, which would be lovely! She seems like someone who would be fun to get to know and she was saying how most of her friends are in Bangkok, so it seems like she would really like to get to know me as well.

After a quiet half hour of journaling/reading in the garden, I cycled over to my friends’ Claudia and Kat’s house to go to Big C with Claudia (similar to a Costco/wal-mart). She shopped for a few groceries and I picked up a few random bits and pieces of food and other things. We went to Swenson’s for ice cream afterwards---sometimes it seems like ice cream truly does make the world a better place. J After which we caught a sang-taaw to head back home and I cycled home from there without running into any dogs, for which I was grateful. Then it was here to exercise for a bit, get cleaned up and proceed to write the above blog. I am really grateful that I am getting to know some people here-it helps so much with the lonely factor that will occasionally still hit. I like being able to do things with people rather than on my own. Sure, journaling and reading I like to do on my own, but things like going to Big C or Tesaban to see the monkeys, or even just going out to the night market, those types of things are more fun when you do them with people.

I feel like God is teaching me so much here….about everything. Its one of those times where I feel like I’m beginning to learn life lessons, which is a true gift. It seems to be one of those times where I’m learning to be open to God and what he has in store for me, whatever that might be. It’s a bit scary/daunting yet at the same time extremely exciting! Who knows what could be around the next bend in the road.

discovery

So, I was able to load the longer post--I have finally been able to connect to the Internet at Shiloh. LIttle things like mistaking a 2 for a Z can get so silly...anyways, here is the longer post if you are interested.

So many thoughts and questions seem to fill my head these days. Yet I welcome them. There are absolutely times when I want to take my brain out and stick it in a pot, as a good friend once told me, yet I am learning that these questions and deep, intense feelings tend to mean that I am growing-growing in my walk with God and hopefully growing into the woman he desires me to become.

I’ve been doing some reading while I’ve been here—catching up on my Geez magazines (a magazine that encourages experiments with the truth: www.geez.org ) from last semester and also reading Can you drink this cup? By Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite authors. He is very profound in the way he writes and communicates different ideas. This book seems especially intriguing right now as I feel as though I’m learning to see. Rainer Maria Rilke once said, “Did I tell you? I’m learning to see.” That is one quote that I feel epitomizes my life right now. I’m learning to open my eyes and really see. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it hurts to realize that there are rich mansions on one side of the river and shacks built out of boards and metal roofs on the other side. I don’t know what that means or even how to begin to process it all-yet I’m learning to see through all of this.

But I digress-back to Henri Nouwen. He compares living life to drinking a glass of wine and claims that a life truly lived is a life reflected upon, contemplated, and thought through. We have to know what we choose and why we choose it. “One thing I learned from it all: drinking wine is not just drinking. You have to know what you are drinking and you have to be able to talk about it. Similarly, just living life isn’t enough. We must know what we are living. A life that is not reflected upon isn’t worth living. It belongs to the essence of being human that we contemplate our life, think about it, discuss it, evaluate it, and form opinions about it. Half of living is reflecting on what is being lived” (p.26) This type of writing causes me to really think—how can I continue to learn what I am living and how does that translate into living life to the fullest?

Nouwen goes on to write about the paradox of joy within the sorrow, something that I feel as though I constantly struggle with and am constantly trying to understand at a deeper level. “The cup of life is the cup of joy as much as it is the cup of sorrow. It is the cup in which sorrows and joys, sadness and gladness, mourning and dancing are never separated. If joys could not be where the sorrows are, the cup of life would never be drinkable. That is why we have to hold the cup in our hands and look carefully to see the joys hidden in our sorrows” (46-47). Sometimes I ache so much with this desire to solve the long term sorrow yet at the same time I don’t really know how. Little girls in the market place at TLC begging—their eyes seemingly empty of joy, how can I give life to that situation? Sometimes it seems like all I see is pain and the joy escapes me.

“Life is full of gains and losses, joys and sorrows, ups and downs-but we do not have to live it alone. We want to drink our cup together and thus celebrate the truth that the wounds of our individual lives, which seem intolerable when lived alone, become sources of healing when we live them as part of a fellowship of mutual care.” (p. 57). I think too that by sharing, by writing, by expressing my thoughts to you whether that is through blog, e-mail, or phone call, it helps me to articulate a bit more and perhaps helps me to see the faint glimmer of joy. Sometimes I feel like I am learning so much about what it means to release thoughts and feelings and emotions to God—like I’m trying to get to know him at a deeper level. So much to think about and so much to discern. Yet the questions still aren’t answered-how to find the joy within the sorrow?

“When we do want to drink our cup and drink it to the bottom, we need others who are willing to drink their cups with us. We need community, a community in which confession and celebration are always present together. We have to be willing to let others know us if we want them to celebrate life with us. When we lift our cups and say ‘to life’ (leichim) we should be talking about real lives, not only hard, painful, sorrowful lives, but also lives so full of joy that celebration becomes a spontaneous response.” (p. 60).

I think I am also really learning what it means to develop a community as well—I am so thankful for my strong support community back in the States, it helps so much to know that you are all praying for me and send me so many encouraging notes and e-mails. Yet at the same time, I feel as though I am beginning to understand a bit more of the larger global community within which I live as a Christian and as a child of God. Yes, it is taking time to develop friendships here but at the same time, almost because it’s a bit slower, I’m starting to realize the depth that community can have. The Thai culture is so relational—I love it and I think that Thai people truly grasp the meaning of the word community. It is all about people and working on developing different relationships with them. How can I learn to be open to that? God seems to be deepening this love for Thailand in my heart and I feel as though I am still in the process of discovering what that means.

did I tell you? I'm learning to see.

So, I had a very long post that I had written in my room at Shiloh but I had written it without internet and am currently at an internet cafe, so you are going to get the abbreviated version and hopefully will have the longer version later.

The biggest thing is that right now I feel like God is teaching me to see. Rainer Maria Rilke once said, "Did I tell you? I'm learning to see." That quote feels like it epitomizees my life right now. I'm learning what it means to live with oepn eyes--whether that means becoming aware that church is bigger than a building, or the paradox that rich live across the river from poor. So many times I struggle with how to resolve these things within myself and I haven't found an answer yet. However, I also think that I am learning what it means to live without the answers....

I'm reading this book by Henri Nouwen, one of my favoirte authors, called Drink this Cup. in it he discusses so many important and thought provoking ideas, dealing with how we need to drink the cup of life to its fullest. Before we drink we need to hold-we need to reflect, understand, and know what we are living. And there are times where it is hard because we feel that the cup is just a cup of sorrows-yet Nouwen's fundamental idea is that it is also a cup of joy. He says, "The cup of life is the cup of you as much as it is the cup of sorrows. It is the cup in which sorrows and joys, sadness and gladness, mourning and dancing are never seperated. If joys could not be wehre the worros are, the cup of life would never be drinkable. That is why we have to hold the cup in our hands and look carefully to see the joys hidden in our sorrows" (46-47). I think it so easy to block my mind to the joy and only see the pain. Sometimes I wonder with how to be oepn to seeing the joy when the pain is felt so acutely. Yet, I have a sense that all along through this process God is teaching me what it means to have joy and what it means to have compassion. I feel as though I am learning what it means to live those words at perhaps a deeper level.

Nouwen goes on to say, "Life is full of gains and losses, joys and sorrows, ups and downs-but we do not have to live it alone. We want to drink our cup together and thus celbrate the truth that the wounds of our individual lives, which seem intolerable when lived alone, become sources of healing when we live them as part of a fellowships of mutual care." (57). I'm starting to understand in a deeper way what it also means to live in community-whether that is growing in my friendships with the team here or continuing friendships/familyships in the States. Community is a big word and I wonder if just as church is outside a building, so a community is also outside of a box....

church....

Sitting in the silence of the river flowing, the birds chirping and the leaves rustling with the music of the wind the word "church" came to mind and stopped all other thoughts. this is church, I thought. this moment seemed to hang almost frozen in time. Perhaps the word church isn't about structure, formality, and sitting in the pews-but perhaps it is more about worshipping the Creator with the very essence of who we are whether that is me sitting in silence or the wind whispering in the trees. sometimes I wonder if we put too much stock and structure behind the word "church"--almost like we try to box it in. yet sometimes I wonder if it is not simply a moment of silence with God.

Its like I'm trying to recapture the beauty of that moment on paper. I had cycled down to the river and taken my bible and journal with me. It was a quiet yesterday Sunday afternoon and I was just enjoying the silence. the water flowed, the occasional moterbike passed and then there was me. It was almost like you could sense God there...like he was present. that to me is a true moment of shalom.

I had been to a church service earlier in the day--one that was all in Thai and was beautiiful nonetheless. However, I did struggle with not being able to understand the language. I was able to catch a few words here and there and did some personal reflection on the passage, but it was a bit difficult nonetheless. so yesterday afternoon I chose to cycle down and just enjoy the moment. I'm learning so much about what it means to be alive here, what it means to live in joy and in compassion, what it means to be.

I love it here.